First reported case of Coronavirus in NI turns out to be a hangover

The first reported case of the Coronavirus in Northern Ireland has been exposed as nothing more than a common hangover by the alleged victim's wife. Joe McMelter (31) was placed in a special isolation unit in the Ulster Hospital yesterday after claiming he'd been struck down by the deadly virus. However, these claims have been … Continue reading First reported case of Coronavirus in NI turns out to be a hangover

Breaking: ‘Charity’ actually the nickname of MLA’s Christmas drinks kitty

We can exclusively reveal, crafty MLAs have nicknamed this year's Christmas drinks kitty as 'charity'.  Questions were raised yesterday when it was announced Stormont MLAs would receive a £1000 pay rise after almost 3 years of scratching their genitalia at home. With Northern Ireland's health and education systems at crisis point over a lack of … Continue reading Breaking: ‘Charity’ actually the nickname of MLA’s Christmas drinks kitty

Proclaimers no longer able to walk 500 miles & apply for mobility car

Scottish duo The Proclaimers were seen in a car showroom picking out a mobility car, it has emerged. It follows reports the ageing pair are no longer able to make their arduous five hundred mile trek on foot. For over thirty years the brothers have bragged about the thousands of miles they’ve clocked up in … Continue reading Proclaimers no longer able to walk 500 miles & apply for mobility car

Willie McCrea wounded in bitter Gospel feud drive-by

Musician Willie McCrea has been seriously wounded following a drive-by shooting linked to a Free Presbyterian gospel feud.  McCrea, known professionally as Will. I . Am MC-Crea, was met by a hail of gunfire as he stood outside his Magherafelt recording studio around 9am this morning. Eyewitnesses claim they saw a blacked-out Nissan Micra pull … Continue reading Willie McCrea wounded in bitter Gospel feud drive-by

‘Buck Island’ commissioned by UTV

UTV have bowed to the public’s insatiable demand for programmes about imbeciles f**king each other by commissioning a new show called ‘Buck Island’. A study compiled by execs at Havelock House revealed that UTV viewers enjoy watching attractive people in swimwear have sex on television. The show will be filmed in a specially constructed villa … Continue reading ‘Buck Island’ commissioned by UTV

Harry & Meghan looking to swap a castle in Windsor for a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom in the West Winds

'Rebel Royals' Prince Harry and Meghan Markle took to the 'NIHE House Swaps' Facebook page this morning  to ask if anyone in the West Winds would be willing to live in Frogmore Cottage, on the grounds of Windsor Castle. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are desperate to escape the pressures of royal life and … Continue reading Harry & Meghan looking to swap a castle in Windsor for a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom in the West Winds

Julian Simmons follows Gwyneth by releasing a candle which smells like his knob

Ever wondered what Julian Simmons' penis smells like? No me neither.  But for anyone who's spent a sleepless night pondering what scent the continuity announcer's knob might have, well, the wait is over. Northern Irish A-list celeb Julian Simmons has followed in the footsteps of Gwyneth Paltrow by releasing a candle that smells like his … Continue reading Julian Simmons follows Gwyneth by releasing a candle which smells like his knob

MLAs wish the weekend would just hurry the f**k up already

Stormont MLAs wish the weekend would just hurry the f**k up already, according to reports.  The shock revelation comes just two days after the elected representatives returned to work after a brief three-year sabbatical. It's understood the MLAs are looking forward to 'a wee break' after a grueling day & a half's work. 'Could this … Continue reading MLAs wish the weekend would just hurry the f**k up already

Local woman’s ordeal after husband blown into pub

A Dundonald woman has revealed her harrowing ordeal after her husband was blown into a local pub by Storm Brendan. Gale McMelter broke down in tears as she told reporters about her husband, Gusty, who is holed up in a nearby bar having narrowly avoided death. According to Gale, Gusty left the house around 11am … Continue reading Local woman’s ordeal after husband blown into pub