Sun burnt Belfast man thought he was absorbing ‘Ulster Volunteer Rays’

A Belfast man is lying in bed covered head-to-toe in natural yoghurt after mistakenly believing that U.V. stood for 'Ulster Volunteer', it has emerged. As temperatures soared to 19C, Davy ‘The Venezuelan’ Taylor (35) decided to take advantage of the glorious weather when he heard that the sun emitted ‘U.V. Rays’. Taylor thought that if … Continue reading Sun burnt Belfast man thought he was absorbing ‘Ulster Volunteer Rays’

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Bare-bellied man aimlessly hosing his driveway in the sunshine

A bare-bellied man is aimlessly hosing down his drive-way in the summer sun, it has emerged.  Joe McMelter spent the morning unnecessarily soaking the short road leading to his house with gallons of water using a flexible tube. According to eyewitnesses, the 37-year-old did not appear to be aiming at anything in particular and spent … Continue reading Bare-bellied man aimlessly hosing his driveway in the sunshine

Stormont re-opens as ‘wee sunbed shap’

Stormont is set to re-open as a new tanning salon, according to reports this morning. The disused parliament buildings, vacant since 10th January 2017, have finally found a new occupier and will officially open for business next week. The new solarium called ‘Black and Tans’, promises to provide its customers ‘with that perfect red-raw shade … Continue reading Stormont re-opens as ‘wee sunbed shap’

Ballysallagh footbridge goes record 5 minutes without being hit by lorry

A delegation from the Guinness Book of Records have descended upon County Down after it emerged the Ballysallagh Road footbridge had gone a mind-boggling five minutes without being struck by a lorry.  Stunned commuters approached the bridge to discover it did not have a large, heavy motor vehicle lodged underneath it. The PSNI said: "Motorists … Continue reading Ballysallagh footbridge goes record 5 minutes without being hit by lorry

Local woman’s diet starts on Monday

A local woman claims her strict new diet will commence next Monday for the 24th consecutive week this year. Carol Rea from Dundonald made the announcement on Facebook this morning which read: 'That's it, the diet starts on Monday. I'll never fit in da my holidays clothes at this rate'. Carol felt compelled to share … Continue reading Local woman’s diet starts on Monday

Belfast man charged with ‘attempted Frape’

A Belfast man has been accused of the 'attempted Frape' of his best mate, it has emerged. Sonny Ericsson (19) is alleged to have stolen a phone belonging to his friend, Samuel Sung (20), while he slept at house party during the early hours of Sunday morning. While in possession of the phone, Mr Ericsson … Continue reading Belfast man charged with ‘attempted Frape’

Terry’s Chocolate Orange ‘not one of your 5-a-day’ experts claim

Boffins at Dundonald Looniversity have made the startling discovery that a Terry’s Chocolate Orange does not count as one of your ‘five-a-day’. This comes after another new study revealed that 9 out of 10 Northern Irish children are ‘fat as fuck’. Dr Oetker, head of research at Dundonald Looniversity, said, ‘We carried out rigorous tests … Continue reading Terry’s Chocolate Orange ‘not one of your 5-a-day’ experts claim

NI employers will grant two weeks compulsory ‘July riot leave’ under new legislation

Westminster is forcing through new legislation meaning all Northern Ireland employers must give their staff two weeks 'July riot leave' , it has emerged.  As of midnight tonight, workers across the province will be awarded two full weeks paid holiday in July so they can fully participate in violent public disturbances. The UK government believes … Continue reading NI employers will grant two weeks compulsory ‘July riot leave’ under new legislation

Sports Day ruined by competitive w**ker Dad

A local man ruined his son’s first ever school sports day by taking it far too seriously, it has emerged. Colin Bolt (37) attended his 5-year-old son’s sports day hoping to exorcise the demons of his own failed athletics career which never really existed. In order to give himself the best possible chance of victory … Continue reading Sports Day ruined by competitive w**ker Dad

Barra Best confirms summer is cancelled

Barra Best, the world’s sexiest bald ginger person, has today confirmed that summer in Northern Ireland has been officially cancelled. Best, a part-time weather man but full-time smouldering hunk of burning bearded love, made the announcement outside Belfast City Hall as the rain bounced of his hairless cranium. The MET office confirmed this morning that … Continue reading Barra Best confirms summer is cancelled