‘Am nat Wonder Woman yanno’ claims local woman

A local mother-of-three left her family in a state of shock today by announcing: ‘I’m not bloody Wonder Woman ya know?!’. Iris Muggins (43) made the startling admission whilst stood in the middle of the living room surrounded by her husband and three teenage children. Iris dropped the bombshell after a series of unreasonable requests … Continue reading ‘Am nat Wonder Woman yanno’ claims local woman

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‘Why should I give a sh*t about Notre Dame when the French didn’t care about our Primark?’ asks Belfast woman

A West Belfast woman is refusing to give a shit about the Notre Dame fire because of a perceived lack of French sympathy when our Primark went up in flames last August. Mother-of-five Ashleigh Burns, made the claim while watching a news bulletin about the huge fire that engulfed the medieval cathedral yesterday. As thousands … Continue reading ‘Why should I give a sh*t about Notre Dame when the French didn’t care about our Primark?’ asks Belfast woman

Ten stages of a ‘pure scorcher’ in Norn Iron

With temperatures set to soar to 20 degrees this weekend, we take a look at the ten stages of a 'pure scorcher' in our wee country.  1. 'Am gettin back an it': If you've woken up still half-cut don't despair, it's warm and therefore socially acceptable to drink all day. Grab yourself a few fruity … Continue reading Ten stages of a ‘pure scorcher’ in Norn Iron

Rory McIlroy makes perfect start in bid to get back to his mansion

Rory McIlroy made the perfect start in his is quest to get back to his mansion with a one-over 73 at The Masters 2019. The four-time major winner from Holywood couldn't have asked for more when he blew his opening drive wide right into the trees ‘With any luck I’ll miss the cut and be … Continue reading Rory McIlroy makes perfect start in bid to get back to his mansion

Belfast’s oldest Goth dies, 38

Belfast's oldest Goth has passed away this morning, according to reports. The 38-year-old's body was discovered by his elderly mother in the home they shared together. The PSNI are describing it as 'some sort of weird wanking thing gone tits up'. Marty 'Salem' Magee became heavily influenced by Nu-Metal music in his late-teens and spent … Continue reading Belfast’s oldest Goth dies, 38

Belfast man who said bonfire instead of ‘bone-fire’ shot in leg

A Belfast man was shot in his right knee after he said bonfire instead of 'bone-fire', according to reports. Dog walkers found 28-year-old Woody Burns lying in an alleyway writhing in agony with the words 'snobby bawsterd' written on his forehead with permanent marker. Mr Burns was rushed to the nearby Ulster Hospital where doctors … Continue reading Belfast man who said bonfire instead of ‘bone-fire’ shot in leg

Belfast man who booked family holiday to Guantanamo Bay ‘thought it was a water park’

A Belfast man has revealed his ordeal after taking his family to a United States military prison which he mistakenly believed was a water park, it has emerged. John 'Horse' McCracken had promised his wife and two children the 'family holiday of a lifetime' after his drunken behaviour spoiled a two week break to Benidorm … Continue reading Belfast man who booked family holiday to Guantanamo Bay ‘thought it was a water park’

Rural ATMs will offer customers option to enter their Tilt Ditchers

Cash points across rural Northern Ireland will now offer customers the option of entering their Tilt Ditcher instead of a 4 digit pin code, according to reports. The move comes after a number of ATMs both North and South of the border were ripped from shops by impatient customers using diggers. CEO of 'ATMs 'R … Continue reading Rural ATMs will offer customers option to enter their Tilt Ditchers

UK Eurospar will be downgraded to Spar after Brexit talks

All Eurospar shops in the United Kingdom will be downgraded to simply 'Spar' in the wake of the latest Brexit talks, according to reports. EU officials this morning confirmed the popular food retail stores will lose their 'Euro' status as soon as the UK government figures out a fucking way of actually leaving. Theresa May … Continue reading UK Eurospar will be downgraded to Spar after Brexit talks

Time Team believe King Billy may have taken the first ever Ecstasy tablet at a bonfire

Time Team returns to our screens for a one-off special in July as Tony Robinson and his team excavate the site of what they believe to be Ireland’s first ever ‘boney night’.  The crack team of archaeologists visited the hills of County Antrim, where bonfires were lit to help ships navigate through Belfast Lough at … Continue reading Time Team believe King Billy may have taken the first ever Ecstasy tablet at a bonfire