Dundonald seagull winged for anti-social behaviour

A SEAGULL in his 20s has been shot in both wings in a "paramilitary-style" attack in Dundonald last night. Police are currently at the scene in Ardmore Avenue in Ballybeen Estate. An ambulance service spokesman said: “We received the report of a male seagull having been shot through the wings in an alleyway in Ardmore … Continue reading Dundonald seagull winged for anti-social behaviour

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Local woman left badly shaken after falling on vibro plate

A Dundonald woman was left ‘badly shaken’ after going head over arse on a vibro plate at her local gym, it has emerged. Anna Robic (41) was performing a ‘side plank’ when her arm gave way beneath her sending her crashing face-first into a high-powered vibrating plate. The mother-of-three’s head repeatedly bounced of the plate … Continue reading Local woman left badly shaken after falling on vibro plate

Local woman who claimed she was deleting Facebook for good returns 2 days later

A Dundonald woman abruptly ended her self-imposed two-day Facebook exile with a post reading: ‘Well, that lasted long’. Shelly 'Loyal' Magee (32) conceded defeat after 48 hellish hours of being unable to pry on the lives of people she knows but can no longer stand. It constituted an embarrassing U-turn for Shelly after she posted … Continue reading Local woman who claimed she was deleting Facebook for good returns 2 days later

David Beckham reduced to tears on Barry’s Ghost Train

Global superstar David Beckham was reduced to tears after a 'very scary' experience in a Portrush theme park, according to reports. The former Manchester United star (44) had to be consoled by his team of minders after taking a ride on the Ghost Train in Barry's Amusements. Beckham and his entourage descended upon the seaside … Continue reading David Beckham reduced to tears on Barry’s Ghost Train

Local woman sweats her diddies off

A Dundonald woman was rushed to hospital this afternoon after her breasts melted into two puddles of sweat, it has emerged. Mrs McQuitty (42) complained to family members that she was 'absolute sweltered' as temperatures across the province soared to 23 degrees. McQuitty, who was very well-endowed in the chest department, was rushed to the … Continue reading Local woman sweats her diddies off

PSNI Squirt-a-Prod Championships about to get underway at Avoniel

This summer’s prestigious PSNI ‘Squirt-a-Prod’ Championships is about to get underway at the former site of Avoniel Leisure Centre. The opening ceremony took place at 10am as locals released a drove of pigeons spray-painted red, white & blue into the morning sky. The annual PSNI event draws thousands of spectators onto the streets and is … Continue reading PSNI Squirt-a-Prod Championships about to get underway at Avoniel

Sean Paul to perform ‘We Be Burnin’ at Shankill bonfire opening ceremony

Middle-aged Jamaican warbler Sean Paul, AKA ‘Shan-a Paaaal’, has been booked by local residents to perform at the Shankill bonfire this year, it has emerged. After wowing the crowds with a mini-set which will include his hits ‘We Be Burnin’, ‘Temperature’ and ‘Ever Blazin’, the rapper will then set fire to the huge wooden structure … Continue reading Sean Paul to perform ‘We Be Burnin’ at Shankill bonfire opening ceremony

Local man going to BBQ again tonight

A Dundonald man can't stop barbecuing meat as the warm weather continues across Northern Ireland. Big Geordie Foreman purchased a Weber Genesis II gas barbecue from Homebase last month hoping to impress friends and family with his cooking prowess in the garden. Unfortunately, June was wetter than a nursing home sofa after a Daniel O’Donnell … Continue reading Local man going to BBQ again tonight

Man kneecapped for driving girlfriend’s Fiat 500 with eyelashes to the shops

A Dundonald man was brutally attacked by a gang of masked men after driving his girlfriend's car to the shops, it has emerged.  Pat Tella nipped to the shops in his girlfriend's bright pink Fiat 500 complete with headlight eyelashes around 1100BST. When Mr Tella emerged from the shop and tried to reenter the vehicle … Continue reading Man kneecapped for driving girlfriend’s Fiat 500 with eyelashes to the shops

Local fella must have got a bit of sun yesterday

Ginger man Ed Hucknall ‘must’ve been out in the sun yesterday’ according to several of his pass remarkable co-workers who saw him this morning. Ed, who normally sports a sickly white complexion, arrived at work this morning looking as though he’d been near the epicentre of a nuclear blast. The Dundonald man is usually very … Continue reading Local fella must have got a bit of sun yesterday