Facebook medical expert recommends everybody lose their sh*t over Covid-19

A self-certified Facebook medical expert is recommending everybody should start losing their shit over Covid-19, it has emerged. Helen McMelter, who wouldn't have the medical background to squeeze a pimple, took to social media this morning to spread fear and panic among those who believe everything they read on Facebook. The mother-of-two, regarded as a … Continue reading Facebook medical expert recommends everybody lose their sh*t over Covid-19

Prods set to celebrate inaugural ‘Sash Thursday’

The PUL community of Northern Ireland will celebrate their first ever 'Sash Thursday' tomorrow, it has emerged. Organisers have described 'Sash Thursday' as 'an inclusive event celebrating cultural diversity which welcomes all sections of the community - except Fenians'. It's widely believed the creation of Sash Thursday is a direct response to a day of … Continue reading Prods set to celebrate inaugural ‘Sash Thursday’

Facebook Becomes House of Commons

Thousands of people logged onto social media this morning to discover that all of their friends have become political and economic experts. People woke up to the shocking news that the Conservatives had won a landslide victory, even though the media (who very rarely get anything wrong - except for the last general elections result, … Continue reading Facebook Becomes House of Commons

Local woman buys another six bags for life

A Dundonald woman was forced to buy another half dozen reusable shopping bags today after forgetting to bring hers for the 352nd time in a row, it has emerged. Lydia Morrisons went to do her weekly shop this morning but soon realised she’d left all her bags for life in a cupboard under the sink. … Continue reading Local woman buys another six bags for life

Man’s windowsill becoming insect graveyard

The windowsill of a three bedroom semi in Dundonald is turning into some kind of necropolis for insects, it has emerged.  As homeowners finally opened their windows and doors, dwellings across the province have been infested with scores of winged beasts. Flies, wasps and a host of other annoying pests that spent the eight month … Continue reading Man’s windowsill becoming insect graveyard

‘Am nat Wonder Woman yanno’ claims local woman

A local mother-of-three left her family in a state of shock today by announcing: ‘I’m not bloody Wonder Woman ya know?!’. Iris Muggins (43) made the startling admission whilst stood in the middle of the living room surrounded by her husband and three teenage children. Iris dropped the bombshell after a series of unreasonable requests … Continue reading ‘Am nat Wonder Woman yanno’ claims local woman

UK Eurospar will be downgraded to Spar after Brexit talks

All Eurospar shops in the United Kingdom will be downgraded to simply 'Spar' in the wake of the latest Brexit talks, according to reports. EU officials this morning confirmed the popular food retail stores will lose their 'Euro' status as soon as the UK government figures out a fucking way of actually leaving. Theresa May … Continue reading UK Eurospar will be downgraded to Spar after Brexit talks

Crumlin Road lodges late bid to host 2019 ‘Squirt-a-Prod’ Championships

The Crumlin Road has submitted a late bid to host this summer’s prestigious ‘Squirt-a-Prod’ Championships in Belfast. The announcement was greeted with cries of ‘yeeoo’ from inhabitants as a drove of pigeons spray-painted red, white & blue were released into the morning sky. The annual PSNI event draws thousands of spectators onto the streets and … Continue reading Crumlin Road lodges late bid to host 2019 ‘Squirt-a-Prod’ Championships

Prods & Catholics unsure whether to buy Indian or Pakistani ‘flegs’

Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland took a break from their own ethno-nationalist squabble to weigh into a row over the conflict between India and Pakistan last night. Pakistan shot down two Indian military jets and captured two pilots in a major escalation between the nuclear powers over the disputed area of Kashmir. Meanwhile hundreds … Continue reading Prods & Catholics unsure whether to buy Indian or Pakistani ‘flegs’