Local woman buys another six bags for life

A Dundonald woman was forced to buy another half dozen reusable shopping bags today after forgetting to bring hers for the 352nd time in a row, it has emerged. Lydia Morrisons went to do her weekly shop this morning but soon realised she’d left all her bags for life in a cupboard under the sink. … Continue reading Local woman buys another six bags for life

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Man’s windowsill becoming insect graveyard

The windowsill of a three bedroom semi in Dundonald is turning into some kind of necropolis for insects, it has emerged.  As homeowners finally opened their windows and doors, dwellings across the province have been infested with scores of winged beasts. Flies, wasps and a host of other annoying pests that spent the eight month … Continue reading Man’s windowsill becoming insect graveyard

‘Am nat Wonder Woman yanno’ claims local woman

A local mother-of-three left her family in a state of shock today by announcing: ‘I’m not bloody Wonder Woman ya know?!’. Iris Muggins (43) made the startling admission whilst stood in the middle of the living room surrounded by her husband and three teenage children. Iris dropped the bombshell after a series of unreasonable requests … Continue reading ‘Am nat Wonder Woman yanno’ claims local woman

UK Eurospar will be downgraded to Spar after Brexit talks

All Eurospar shops in the United Kingdom will be downgraded to simply 'Spar' in the wake of the latest Brexit talks, according to reports. EU officials this morning confirmed the popular food retail stores will lose their 'Euro' status as soon as the UK government figures out a fucking way of actually leaving. Theresa May … Continue reading UK Eurospar will be downgraded to Spar after Brexit talks

Crumlin Road lodges late bid to host 2019 ‘Squirt-a-Prod’ Championships

The Crumlin Road has submitted a late bid to host this summer’s prestigious ‘Squirt-a-Prod’ Championships in Belfast. The announcement was greeted with cries of ‘yeeoo’ from inhabitants as a drove of pigeons spray-painted red, white & blue were released into the morning sky. The annual PSNI event draws thousands of spectators onto the streets and … Continue reading Crumlin Road lodges late bid to host 2019 ‘Squirt-a-Prod’ Championships

Prods & Catholics unsure whether to buy Indian or Pakistani ‘flegs’

Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland took a break from their own ethno-nationalist squabble to weigh into a row over the conflict between India and Pakistan last night. Pakistan shot down two Indian military jets and captured two pilots in a major escalation between the nuclear powers over the disputed area of Kashmir. Meanwhile hundreds … Continue reading Prods & Catholics unsure whether to buy Indian or Pakistani ‘flegs’

Court pardons woman who suffocated her snoring husband

A Dundonald woman walked free from court this morning after suffocating her snoring husband, it has emerged. Kate Suffolk (42), who plead not guilty in Newtownards Magistrates Court this morning, wept as the judge read out the not guilty verdict. Before proceedings began, Mrs Suffolk told assembled journalists her defence was confident of securing a … Continue reading Court pardons woman who suffocated her snoring husband

Gin replaces craft beer as the No.1 alcoholic beverage for pretentious wankers.

Boffins today announced that following on from 2013’s craft beer explosion, gin has become the No.1 alcoholic beverage for pretentious wankers. Dr Steph O’Scope who carried out the research explained, ‘A simple scroll through one’s social media platforms on a Friday night will reveal countless photographs of people clutching unnecessarily large gin glasses containing needlessly … Continue reading Gin replaces craft beer as the No.1 alcoholic beverage for pretentious wankers.

Investigation launched after holidaymakers skip Lagan Bar Facebook check-in

An investigation is underway at Belfast International Airport after a couple of holidaymakers failed to check themselves in at the Lagan Bar using Facebook. The couple (who cannot be named for legal reasons) were taken to an on-site custody suite by airport security staff and questioned about the incident. One eyewitness in the Lagan Bar … Continue reading Investigation launched after holidaymakers skip Lagan Bar Facebook check-in

Shaggy strenuously denies cheating with next door neighbour

Jamaican popstar Shaggy has strenuously denied claims he made sexual advances toward the girl next door, it has emerged. Despite a mountain of incriminating evidence, including being rumbled mid-act by his girlfriend, the 50-year-old released a statement denying that he was ‘caught red-handed’ while riding the life clean out of his neighbour. In a brief … Continue reading Shaggy strenuously denies cheating with next door neighbour