Home schooled pupil puts in transfer request for different school

A Dundonald child has requested a transfer after growing tiresome of her parent’s attempts at home-schooling. Like the majority of pupils, little Lucy McMelter has not been able to attend school since March. As a result, Lucy and others like her have been under the tutelage of their unqualified wine-swilling parents. Subjected to months of … Continue reading Home schooled pupil puts in transfer request for different school

Belfast Zoo to reopen much to annoyance of happily furloughed giraffe

Belfast Zoo will reopen its doors to the public this weekend much to the disgust of a furloughed giraffe.  The zoo's animals were placed on the job retention scheme when the facility became closed to the public due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. Although the animals found it difficult to acclimatise at first, they say … Continue reading Belfast Zoo to reopen much to annoyance of happily furloughed giraffe

Dundonald man sweats his ballix off

A Dundonald man was rushed to hospital this morning after waking to find his testicles had dissolved in a puddle of sweat. Eunuch Powell (37) had terrible difficulty sleeping last night due to the drastic increase in temperatures across Northern Ireland. The sous chef tried everything from opening a window, to sleeping ‘pure ballick naked’. … Continue reading Dundonald man sweats his ballix off

Emotional scenes as Jordy (You owe me a tenner dickhead) McKeag reunited with football after 9-years

There were emotional scenes on the Shankill Road this morning after Jordy McKeag was finally reunited with his football after 9-years apart.  Jordy McKeag was just 11-years-old when his brand new Nike Total 90 Tracer ball was kicked onto the roof of a building by former friend Travis. Despite the best efforts of Travis, the … Continue reading Emotional scenes as Jordy (You owe me a tenner dickhead) McKeag reunited with football after 9-years

4th man dies from boredom outside re-opened Primark

A Dundonald man tragically passed away this afternoon while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre. Dom Bordman was found on a nearby public bench by shoppers who believed he was sleeping. The 35-yr-old passed away while waiting on his girlfriend who was queuing to get into Primark which reopened its doors … Continue reading 4th man dies from boredom outside re-opened Primark

Rastamouse pulled from UK streaming services

Children's TV show 'Rastamouse' has been pulled from streaming services following accusations it promotes negative stereotypes of West Indian mice. The show follows crime busting mouse reggae band 'Da Easy Crew', who split their time between making music and solving mysteries for 'Da President of Mouseland'. Rastamouse received complaints from Caribbean mice who claimed the … Continue reading Rastamouse pulled from UK streaming services

Dundonald man destroys house while making breakfast

A Dundonald man caused upwards of £160,000 worth of damage to his own home while making a cooked breakfast, according to reports. 41-year-old Denny Fryer was preparing breakfast for himself and his two daughters when he inadvertently destroyed his kitchen and several major appliances in the process. A structural engineer surveyed the damage this morning … Continue reading Dundonald man destroys house while making breakfast

NI Coronavirus update: 2nd wave of Smicks to hit Crawfordsburn next week

DUP leader Arlene Foster and her Sinn Féin counterpart, Deputy First Minister Michelle O'Neill, have warned that a second wave of Smicks could hit Crawfordsburn Country Park as early as next week. Last week, hundreds of malnourished teenage boys whipped their 'taps aff' and flocked to local beauty spots as temperatures soared across the province. … Continue reading NI Coronavirus update: 2nd wave of Smicks to hit Crawfordsburn next week

Dundonald fella obviously ‘gotta bitta sun’ yesterday

Dundonald man Ed Hucknall obviously 'gotta bitta sun yesterday' according to several pass remarkable fuckers he bumped into this morning. Ed, who normally sports a sickly white complexion, woke up looking as though he’d been near the epicentre of a nuclear blast. The 38-yr-old is usually very careful whenever it comes to matters of the … Continue reading Dundonald fella obviously ‘gotta bitta sun’ yesterday

Dundonald man might do another wee BBQ tonight

A Dundonald man can't stop barbecuing meat as the warm weather continues across Northern Ireland. Big Geordie Foreman purchased a Weber Genesis II gas barbecue from B&Q hoping to impress everyone with his cooking prowess in the garden. Unfortunately, the the rain last week meant that Big Geordie never even got his Weber out of … Continue reading Dundonald man might do another wee BBQ tonight