Everyone in Northern Ireland ‘checks-in’ at Lagan Bar this morning

The entire population of Northern Ireland 'checked-in' at the same airport bar using Facebook this morning, it has emerged. Approximately 1.9 million people crammed into the extortionately priced Lagan Bar at Belfast's International Airport earlier to upload pics of their alcoholic beverages. The airport bar Facebook check-in has become an integral part of the holiday … Continue reading Everyone in Northern Ireland ‘checks-in’ at Lagan Bar this morning

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New helpline for parents whose children watch shite on YouTube

There's an emergency helpline for parents being forced to watch shite on the internet by their children, according to reports.  A dedicated team of professionals will be on hand to help adults who are struggling to cope with life after watching spirit crushing videos on YouTube. It is estimated that 98% of children between the … Continue reading New helpline for parents whose children watch shite on YouTube

Axed Jeremy Kyle show will move to Stormont

Jeremy Kyle will bring his freak show to Stormont after ITV's decision to cancel the long-running series, it has emerged.  Kyle (real name Beelzebub) and his production team were locked in tricky negotiations with an NI Assembly delegation long into the night. Kyle's team released a statement this morning which read: 'Still want your daily … Continue reading Axed Jeremy Kyle show will move to Stormont

Prince Harry pretends he’s asleep to get out of night feed

Prince Harry 'fake-snored' to get out of feeding his newborn, it has emerged. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex were woken around 4am this morning by their infant son, Archie. Both Royals heard the baby's cries but lay perfectly still, wondering who'd be the first to break. After a minute or so it became abundantly clear … Continue reading Prince Harry pretends he’s asleep to get out of night feed

Local woman orders Chinese as soon as she’s home from holiday

A Dundonald woman ordered 'her usual' from the local Chinese takeaway just minutes after arriving home from holiday, it has emerged. Helen McMelter was barely through the front door when she instructed her partner Joe to 'get on the phone til l'Chinkers'. 'All I could think about on the plane was my salted chilli prawns, … Continue reading Local woman orders Chinese as soon as she’s home from holiday

NI voters gearing up to vote for same old shite

The elections for Northern Ireland's 11 councils are being held today and voters are chomping at the bit to vote for the same bunch of pricks they always do. Despite having no functioning assembly since January 2017, the electorate are literally oozing at the reproductive organs at the thought of re-electing the same parties who’ve … Continue reading NI voters gearing up to vote for same old shite

Trump’s crisis talks with NI parties over McDonald’s UK switch to paper straws

Donald Trump arrived at Stormont for emergency talks with Northern Ireland's main political parties after McDonald's decision to stop using plastic straws in the UK. The 45th President of the United States arranged the emergency summit after former Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams claimed the switch to paper straws was destabilizing the peace process here. … Continue reading Trump’s crisis talks with NI parties over McDonald’s UK switch to paper straws

Parents rejoice as two week nightmare finally ends

Parents across Northern Ireland this morning are celebrating the end of a two week nightmare commonly referred to as the 'Easter Holidays'. There were high-fives among pyjama-clad women at school gates across the province after they frogmarched their spawn into the care of trained professionals. The beleaguered parents were overheard discussing the various ways they … Continue reading Parents rejoice as two week nightmare finally ends

Newly qualified NI teachers will receive gold stars instead of wages

There was widespread joy among university students today as it was announced the standard wage for recently qualified teachers would be scrapped in favour of new incentives, including little golden stickers.  Teaching unions across the province were unanimous in their support for the move which they described as 'a victory for the profession'. Under the … Continue reading Newly qualified NI teachers will receive gold stars instead of wages