Dundonald woman sweats her diddies off

A Dundonald woman was rushed to hospital this afternoon after her breasts melted into two puddles of sweat.  Mrs McQuitty (42) complained to family members that she was 'absolutely sweltered' as temperatures across the province soared to 19 degrees. McQuitty, who was particularly well-endowed in the chest department, was rushed to the Ulster Hospital after … Continue reading Dundonald woman sweats her diddies off

Bare-bellied man aimlessly hosing down his drive-way

A bare-bellied man is aimlessly hosing down his drive-way, it has emerged.  Joe McMelter spent the morning unnecessarily soaking the short road leading to his house with gallons of water using a flexible tube. According to eyewitnesses, the 37-year-old did not appear to be aiming at anything in particular and spent most of the time … Continue reading Bare-bellied man aimlessly hosing down his drive-way

Dundonald woman to show appreciation for NHS tonight with Facebook check-in at A&E

A Dundonald woman is breaking convention in order to show her appreciation for the NHS tonight, it has emerged.  In what has become a weekly tradition, most of the nation comes together each Thursday as part of the Clap For Our Carers campaign, to publicly recognise the efforts of the NHS workers fighting the coronavirus … Continue reading Dundonald woman to show appreciation for NHS tonight with Facebook check-in at A&E

PSNI officers hoping man’s high temperature is result of tasering and not COVID-19

A group of PSNI officers are hopeful that the high temperature of a man they arrested is the result of a tasering and not COVID-19 related.  Wee Danny McTrejo was arrested last night after police received reports of a man roaming the streets armed with a machete and a camogie stick. Officers arrived on the … Continue reading PSNI officers hoping man’s high temperature is result of tasering and not COVID-19

Dunlady House resident gives Daniel O’Donnell 24hrs to get out Dundonald after surprise visit

Irish Country sensation Daniel O'Donnell was whisked away under threat after an impromptu visit to a County Down nursing home, it has emerged.  The 58-year-old affectionately known as 'wee Daniel', was given a police escort to his home in Meenbanad, County Donegal, after an elderly resident accused the singer of 'touchin' for his wife. 89-year-old … Continue reading Dunlady House resident gives Daniel O’Donnell 24hrs to get out Dundonald after surprise visit

Emotional scenes as bin men record loudest noise in human history

There were emotional scenes this morning after a group of bin men produced the loudest ever sound on the surface of the planet.  It was 7:30 AM local time when the noise emerged from a sleepy neighbourhood on the edge of Dundonald. Jubilant refuse collectors celebrated wildly after producing a sound which registered at an … Continue reading Emotional scenes as bin men record loudest noise in human history

Dundonald woman’s diet starts on Monday

A Dundonald woman has claimed her strict new diet will commence on 'Monday coming', it has emerged. 35-year-old Carol Rea made the announcement on Facebook this morning in a post which read: 'That's it, diet starts on Monday. I'll never fit into my holiday clothes at this rate'. Carol felt compelled to share this useless … Continue reading Dundonald woman’s diet starts on Monday

Drive-thru Bushmills church gets man’s order wrong

A Bushmills man was left furious after a drive-thru church ballsed up his order, it has emerged.  Joseph Christiansen (41) visited the Bushmills branch of McJesus with his family last Sunday afternoon. The self-employed joiner claims the pastor at the window made 'a right ballix' of his order and urged others to avoid the church … Continue reading Drive-thru Bushmills church gets man’s order wrong

Dundonald man ‘doesn’t know if he can cope’ with another 3 weeks of flouting Covid-19 restrictions

After 6 weeks of breaking just about every restriction imposed by the government in relation to stopping the spread of the coronavirus, Dundonald native Joe McMelter 'doesn't know if he can cope' with 3 more.  The 35-year-old blasted the 'draconian measures' put in place by Stormont even though he's practically ignored every single one of … Continue reading Dundonald man ‘doesn’t know if he can cope’ with another 3 weeks of flouting Covid-19 restrictions

Furloughed Dundonald piss-artist lobbies council for extra recycle box

A renowned local piss-artist has lobbied Lisburn & Castlereagh City Council for an additional recycle box after his existing box was filled to capacity two days after collection.  Joe McMelter was placed on furlough leave several weeks ago and has noticed that one recycle box for jars & bottles is insufficient. The 38-year-old revealed how the council's … Continue reading Furloughed Dundonald piss-artist lobbies council for extra recycle box