Fat men in skin-tight rugby tops spotted in Belfast pubs

Fat fellas in ill-fitting rugby jerseys have been spotted in numerous bars across Belfast today, according to reports.  The men, believed to be in their 30s & 40s, would be the type of dickheads who played for your school rugby team only older. Hundreds of the burly ball-bags were seen walking down Great Victoria Street … Continue reading Fat men in skin-tight rugby tops spotted in Belfast pubs

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Adams: McDonald’s paper straws bigger threat to peace process than Brexit

Celebrity chef Gerry Adams claims McDonald’s decision to switch to paper straws was destabilizing the peace process here. The 70-year-old warned the fast-food chain's decision to switch to the divisive paper version was 'the final straw for Republicans living under imperial rule'. The US fast food giant axed its plastic straws last year as part … Continue reading Adams: McDonald’s paper straws bigger threat to peace process than Brexit

New Jersey mob to have sit down with NI paramilitaries

Three prominent members of the New Jersey-based DiMeo crime family are jetting into Belfast for a 'sit down' with a host of Northern Irish gangsters from either side of the political divide. Details of 'the meet', which will take place in Belfast's SSE Arena next year, were leaked to Belfast Live today The DiMeo crime … Continue reading New Jersey mob to have sit down with NI paramilitaries

New IRA call ceasefire until reasons for Amber and Gregg split established

A group calling itself the New IRA has declared a temporary ceasefire until the full facts of the Amber and Greg split are known. The devastating news that Love Island winners Greg O'Shea and Amber Gill had split, broke around 1pm today. The news sent shockwaves across the UK with the pound plummeting in value … Continue reading New IRA call ceasefire until reasons for Amber and Gregg split established

Kids tell friends about all the sh*t stuff they were forced to do with adults for two months

Children wept in each other's arms in playgrounds across the province this morning as they shared horror stories about their summer holidays.  Thousands of kids in over-sized school uniforms broke down as they recounted their harrowing experiences over the past nine weeks. Little Harry McMelter sobbed uncontrollably in the arms of his friend, Toby, while … Continue reading Kids tell friends about all the sh*t stuff they were forced to do with adults for two months

Local woman shares old holiday pic then begs: ‘Oh mummy, take me back’

A Dundonald woman shared a photo taken while on holiday last year then begged: 'Oh mummy, take me back'.  Helen McMelter shared the old snap with her Facebook friends after finally resigning herself to the fact she won't be getting away anywhere this year. After browsing through a photo album on Facebook entitled 'Marmaris 2018 … Continue reading Local woman shares old holiday pic then begs: ‘Oh mummy, take me back’

Local couple to divorce after night spent building flat-pack unit

A Dundonald couple are divorcing after 10 years of marriage following a night of building flat-pack furniture from IKEA, it has emerged. Helen and Joe McMelter made the decision about four hours into their futile bid to assemble a ‘Liatorp’ wall unit, during which the frailties of their relationship were brutally exposed. Despite the protestations … Continue reading Local couple to divorce after night spent building flat-pack unit

Spanish police investigate sighting of Northern Irish holidaymaker not wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts

Spanish police are investigating a reported sighting of a Northern Irish holidaymaker who wasn't wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts.  The Policia Nacional in Alicante said they were called to Calle Gerona this morning after locals reported seeing a pasty ginger man wearing neither Glasgow Celtic or Rangers replica shorts. Every year, thousands of Northern Irish … Continue reading Spanish police investigate sighting of Northern Irish holidaymaker not wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts

Boris Johnson visits Ice Bowl during NI talks

Boris Johnson dropped by Dundonald's International Ice Bowl this morning as the new PM took a break from political talks aiming to restore Northern Ireland's power-sharing government. The Tory leader arrived at the popular facility around 9am this morning and headed straight for the arcades while an aide paid for their bookings at reception. Eyewitnesses … Continue reading Boris Johnson visits Ice Bowl during NI talks

Buses hijacked and set alight as Dundonald takeaways run out of salted chilli chicken

Vehicles were hijacked and torched in Dundonald last night after several Chinese takeaways run out of salted chilli chicken. Masked men hijacked a bus and set it on fire, police said, in one of several incidents unfolding across the town during a night of unparalleled disorder. Trouble erupted in the civil parish after it emerged … Continue reading Buses hijacked and set alight as Dundonald takeaways run out of salted chilli chicken