England has been charged with the brutal murder of Neil Diamond’s ‘Sweet Caroline’ at Wembley Stadium last night.
In what eyewitnesses claim was a sustained and vicious assault on the eardrums, 66,000 people belted out the 1969 classic while celebrating England’s EURO 2020 semi-final victory over Denmark.
Police were alerted by Northern Ireland supporters who bore witness to the heinous crime on television.
The police released a statement this morning, reading:
‘At approximately 11pm last night we received a call that Sweet Caroline had been murdered in Wembley Stadium’.
‘Responding officers and paramedics arrived at the scene where England’s rendition of Sweet Caroline was pronounced dead shite’.
‘An inconsolable Neil Diamond has asked the media respect his privacy at this time’.
Meanwhile, the Irish Football Association revealed that 10,000 Northern Ireland season ticket holders were rushed to hospital following the incident with blood streaming from their ears.
‘I think the English FA can expect to hear from a few solicitors over this. There’ll be personally injury claims galore. F**k it, I might even throw in an aul whipper claim myself’, said IFA President David Martin while rubbing his neck with a pained expression on his face.