Northern Ireland’s last remaining Mervyns will die off before 2025, scientists believe.
A study at Dundonald Looniversity suggests that males called Mervyn are now an endangered species.
Statistics show that every Northern Irish family in the 1940s had at least four sons named Mervyn. That figure dropped to two in the 60s and only one by 1975.
A ‘Mervyn’ has been declared Northern Ireland’s rarest breed of male with only three individuals remaining in captivity.
All three are under armed guard at a conservation in Fermanagh.
‘Unless there is a concerted effort by parents of new-borns, then I’m afraid that all Mervyns will become extinct within ten years’, said Head of Ridiculous Studies Dr Steph O’Scope.
‘Look at these fine beasts’, remarked Dr O’Scope, whilst pointing at the three Mervyns in the observatory.
‘Look at their thick 70’s UVF commander moustaches and bus driver side-shades. Who wouldn’t want to raise a son called Mervyn?’.
Meanwhile at the Ulster Hospital’s maternity ward, we asked some expecting parents if they’d consider naming their newborn babies Mervyn.
‘F**k away off’, said one heavily pregnant woman smoking a cigarette in her pyjamas outside the building.
‘If it’s a boy we’re going for somethin’ biblical like Jacob, Levi or Isaiah. Sure it’ll go with the ‘Only God Can Judge Me’ tattoo their da has on his face.