Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) leadership contender Edwin Poots has told party colleagues that if he becomes leader he will outlaw recreational sex.
The Stormont agriculture minister made his sex position clear in a letter to the party’s electoral college.
‘Rumpy-pumpy must be reserved for procreation purposes only’, wrote Poots.
‘Provided I have no election problems, as your leader I will be coming down hard on any person found indulging in a spot of unnecessary how’s your father’.
The 55-year-old Lagan Valley MLA revealed that some sexual contact between heterosexual couples would still be allowed under certain circumstances.
‘Protestant straight married couples will be permitted to ‘have it off’ no more than twice a month in order to safeguard the future of the union’.
East Antrim MP Sammy Wilson said the proposal was yet another example of the forward-thinking policies of the Democratic Unionist Party.
‘This law will enable most of my constituents to get their leg over on a more regular basis’, claimed the 68-year-old.
However, the news caused uproar in Ballymena where doggy-style intercourse is still illegal.
The TUV’s Jim Allister launched a scathing attack on the other parties for their ‘debauchery’.
Allister, who claims the female orgasm is ‘nothing but a myth’, has called on those in his constituency to ‘continue to refrain from engaging in any sexual activity whatsoever’.
Meanwhile, man-eating sex-pot Naomi Long has slammed the news.
‘Get her bucked’, yelled the Alliance Party leader while handing out free samples of KY Jelly outside her East Belfast offices.