The UK government has announced Northern Ireland’s rioting could resume ‘within a matter of weeks’, provided organisers and participants adhere to strict new anti-social distancing measures.
Each year, thousands of people across the province participate in violent public disturbances which rumble on for several weeks.
But following the COVID-19 outbreak it had been expected this year’s rioting could be postponed until winter or cancelled entirely.
However, Northern Ireland’s newly-appointed chief medical officer, Big Karen from Facebook, believes we could see rioting as early as 20th May – if the new measures are obeyed.
In a long-winded rant posted on her own personal Facebook account, Big Karen said:
‘Despite the calls of thousands of law abiding citizens for this year’s riots to be declared null & void – I’m delighted to announce… ‘LET’S GET READY TO FUCKIN’ RUMBLE LAWDS – YEEEOOO’.
‘However, in order to ensure the riots proceed, all organisers and participants must adhere to Stormont’s strict new anti-social distancing laws’.
‘Anyone lobbing petrol bombs should do so from at least two-metres away. The same applies to anyone hoping to blind an enemy combatant with a powerful slingshot’.
‘If you’re intent on hijacking a car to later burn out, please do so in groups of no more than two. This will avoid overcrowding inside the vehicle when making your getaway, thus reducing the risk of cross-contamination’.
‘And in the interests of all rioters, this year the PSNI water canons will be filled with disinfectant’.
Meanwhile, seasoned rioter and long-term sick absentee Claude Mason (49) said that all precautions would be taken to stop the spread of Covid-19 during this summers riots:
‘All the lads have been told to wash their hands before and after lobbing a petrol bomb at the peelers’.
‘As many of us will be wearing balaclavas – so touching our faces won’t be an issue’, he grinned.