Summer riots in Northern Ireland could be cancelled due to Coronavirus, experts warn

Experts have warned that Northern Ireland’s annual summer rioting could be cancelled with the Covid-19 outbreak now affecting several European countries.

Each year, thousands of people across the province participate in violent public disturbances which rumble on for several weeks.

But if the spread of Covid-19 continues at its current pace, or is declared a pandemic by the World Health Organization, this year’s riots could be postponed until winter or cancelled entirely.

‘July provides the perfect conditions for prolonged riotous behaviour with its extended daylight hours and public holidays’, explained chief medical officer, Dr Steph O’Scope.

‘However, even though they’re quare craic to watch, the health of a person is more important than any riot with the peelers’, she sighed.

But organisers of the disturbances have dismissed the claims as ‘pure scaremongering’ and said the rioting will go ahead as planned.

50-yr-old menace to society, Chuck Stone, claims the summer months are essential when eager to engage in bitter sectarian street-fighting.

Stone, who’s been involved in cross-community brick-throwing since the age of 12, told us:

‘I prefer to do my rioting during the July fortnight’.

‘It means I can lob bricks and petrol bombs all night without the fear of any adverse effect on my performance in work the next day due to fatigue’.

‘The snow and cowl weather would seriously impact upon our abilities to engage in a running battle with the PSNI or those of a different religious persuasion’.

Meanwhile, seasoned rioter and long-term sick absentee Claude Mason (49) said that all precautions would be taken to stop the spread of Covid-19 during this summers riots:

‘All the lads have been told to wash their hands before and after lobbing a petrol bomb at the peelers’.

‘As many of us will be wearing balaclavas, touching our faces won’t be an issue’, he grinned.

5 thoughts on “Summer riots in Northern Ireland could be cancelled due to Coronavirus, experts warn

  1. Problem solved..underwater riotin summer camp in Fermanagh Lakeland for frustrated DLAers. (sorry for the spellin I went to a Protestant school). Special training in
    1. underwater petrol bombing using recycled plastic bottles.
    2. recognition techniques to find PSNI frogmen and republican alligators
    3. specialist training in directing underwater explosive farts towards frogmen and alligators
    4 expert training in converting Sammy speak to bog Latin and border babble.
    5. Special tuition in filling in arts council grant forms to claim any available grant relating to anything with border in the title (there’s millions if you know how to fill in the forms..honestly!

    If the grant aid comes through we will have underwater swan vestas ready. ( We have the swans sorted but keeping the vest a’s dry needs perfecting )
    Website for applicants available soon. In the meantime send money to..Leamens or themins bank a/c no 999111999111
    ..slane or bout ye or whatever you say up there in DLA land keep the welly to the metal..oh and keep the home rhiers burning


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