Parents across Northern Ireland are being forced to eat awful misshapen pancakes made by their children in school today, it has emerged.
Every year, teachers keen to avoid a proper day’s work bring out the mixing bowls and allow their pupils to make malformed vile pancakes instead.
Jack Flap (39) recalls last year’s ‘pancake day’ when his son, Jack Jnr (6), arrived home from school proudly clutching a sandwich bag containing four sweaty deformed crepes.
‘I thought I was gonna have to lick the dog’s arse just to get the taste outta my mouth’, recalled Jack.
‘He wouldn’t leave the room until I’d eaten all four of the bloody things’.
‘I couldn’t bring myself to swallow any of it. My cheeks were bulging; I looked like a hamster with gum abscesses’.
‘As soon as he left the room I spat it out into the bin then gargled my own piss’.
‘I’m gonna write a letter to the school – or knock his teacher’s ballicks in! Probably the latter’, he added.
Meanwhile, Jack Jnr’s teacher, Jonny Cake (41), readily admits that he’s never sampled any of the children’s crepes.
‘Are ya f**king mad? Their heads are crawling in lice, their finger nails look as though they’ve been burrowing for truffles and they’re stood in pairs sneezing into the baking bowls all morning’.
‘I’d rather suck a handful of urinal cubes’, he added.