Northern Ireland has confirmed it’s completely unprepared for the one inch of snow which may settle for an hour or two before melting, it has emerged.
The announcement comes even though it has snowed since the beginning of recorded f**king history.
The First Minister and Deputy First Minister released a joint statement this morning live from Stormont buildings.
The pair made the announcement while sat in front of an open fire which they kept ablaze with wooden pellets and bundles of taxpayers money.
‘We regret to announce we have absolutely f*ck all provisions in place to deal with the snow which we’ve known might fall since last winter’, said DUP leader Arlene Foster while dabbing the sweat from her brow with a £50 note.
‘Expect massive traffic disruption and pensioners sliding about like new born foals on an ice rink’, garbled Sinn Fein leader Michelle O’Neill at the pace of a racehorse commentator.
‘Also, we would like to take this opportunity to encourage anyone with a car which is close to breaking down to make a completely unnecessary journey’.
‘Maybe take her up the Westlink or Stockmans Lane. They love a good breakdown up there’, she added.
The Stormont leaders also announced they have forced through emergency legislation this morning to deal with irritating amateur weather reporters on Facebook.
‘Anyone in Northern Ireland who writes, ‘It’s Snowing’ on social media shall be unmercifully kicked in the ballix, henceforth’, they confirmed.
The party leaders buckled under enormous pressure from many people here who are capable of looking out of the window to see any adverse weather conditions with their own f*cking eyes.
Following the announcement, thousands of angry people began lacing up their steel toe-cap boots as they eagerly awaited the inevitable barrage of Facebook posts stating the obvious.
One man told us, ‘Usually I just unfriend them but this year I cannot wait to feel their testicles explode upon the impact of my ruthless kick’.
With the adverse weather conditions set to continue, the MET office has released the following statement:
‘Strong winds will be coming in from the North West, so if anyone’s wearing a wig, have a good f**king word with yourself’.