Flatulent cows to be kneecapped under new Stormont proposals

MLAs have backed new proposals to administer paramilitary-style punishment shootings to over-flatulent livestock in a bid to tackle climate change.

It followed a debate on climate change in Stormont on Monday evening after calls for immediate action to cut carbon emissions.

MLAs backed the Sinn Fein/Green Party amendment by 48 votes to 27 and sanctioned theĀ  immediate kneecapping of a dozen cows well-known to the authorities for their flatulence.

Daisy Thompson, a 21-year-old milking cow from Fermanagh, was found in an alleyway this morning by dairy farmer Garth Carter.

‘Daisy had been shot through her knees. All four of them’, explained Mr Carter.

‘The poor thing was mooing out for her mammy’, he added.

Daisy was rushed to a nearby veterinary clinic and underwent emergency surgery.

Speaking from her bed in the clinic, Daisy told us:

‘They said they were from Sinn Fein and had heard reports of anti-social behaviour. Me farting a lot basically’.

‘But I told them it couldn’t have been me. Sure I was in the barn watching Emmerdale with my da’.

‘If they think they can bully me, they’re seriously mistaken. Uppa UFF’, she mooed defiantly.

When asked if she was a member of a Loyalist paramilitary organisation, Daisy scoffed:

‘The Ulster Field Farters, ya d**k’.

 

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