UTV have bowed to the public’s insatiable demand for programmes about imbeciles f**king each other by commissioning a new show called ‘Buck Island’.
A study compiled by execs at Havelock House revealed that UTV viewers enjoy watching attractive people in swimwear have sex on television.
The show will be filmed in a specially constructed villa on Rathlin Island, just off the coast of County Antrim.
‘Buck Island’ is similar to Love Island, except it drops the façade the show has anything to do with love’, explained a UTV spokesperson.
And producers of the show have decided to shake up the exhausted old format which sees a bunch of 20-somethings attempt to f**k each other in a humid climate.
‘We’ve all seen Love Island, haven’t we?’, said a shower producer.
‘It’s boy lumbers girl, boy dumps girl, girl lumbers another boy, girl dumps other boy, boy gets back with girl, girl sucks off boy, only to be dumped by boy, who gets back with other girl – and in the end the girl ends up with a higher sperm count than the boy’.
‘But we think it would be much more fun to watch a bunch of broken people in their 30s instead’.
‘Imagine a villa filled with ‘yummy mummies’ and men with ‘dad bods’ and their respective quests to get their hole. Glorious television’.
We caught up with one contestant, 36-yr-old Tyrone farmer, Garth Carter, who is hoping to get bucked in the villa.
‘I hear them townie weemen like a fella in a pair of those skinny jeans. So, I thought I’d get meself a pair’, said Garth while tucking his checked flannel shirt down the waist band.
Meanwhile, recently separated 32-yr-old mother-of-four, Helen McMelter, is also hoping to get bucked live on TV – but definitely not to make her ex jealous.
‘I’m lukin for a real mawn’, declared Helen as a friend injected 3mls of Hyaluronic acid into her lips.
‘I just wanna show Joe I’m totally over him. And what better way than by gettin’ bucked by a bunch of strangers on TV’.
Anyone looking to apply to be a contestant on Buck Island will be required to complete a medical which includes a mandatory head examination.