A Dundonald woman put her husband in hospital after he attempted to eat foods reserved for Jesus’ birthday bash, it has emerged.
With fridges at full capacity, salivating men across BT16 keep sneaking a peak at the delicious chilled bounty only to be told ‘put it back, it’s for Chrismuss’.
Big Janice Bates from Coronation Park put her husband of 13 years in hospital after he pinched an ‘After Eight’.
Speaking from the specialist trauma ward of the Ulster Hospital, her husband told us:
‘I wuz lukin fer sumfin ta have wif a wee cuppa tea. Ya never see those delicious wafer thin chaclit mints in la house apart from Chrismuss.
‘There’s about 90 a lem in a bax and that bitch brained me wif a rolling pin’.
Meanwhile, their son Noel, 6, was threatened with an ‘aul beg of ashes’ unless he stopped asking for a glass of Shloer. He told us:
‘It’s the same story every year. We’re all eating fish finger sandwiches for a week whilst the fridge is filled with a banquet fit for a king.
‘Then on Christmas Day the food that’s thrown out could nourish a small African tribe for a month’.
‘Then we hear the old war cry ‘I’m nat buyin as much next year, luk at the waste, lat’s a sin’ only for the silly bitch to buy the same amount if not more the following Christmas’.
‘And why did she buy a 3kg bag of sprouts when she’s the only one who eats them? Did Jesus even eat sprouts? Why am I forced to eat them if beardy didn’t even like them?’.
Big Janice defended herself by saying:
‘You’d swear some a lem had never seen food before. That fridge door’s been opened more times than Taylor Swift’s legs. I’ve had to put a f**kin’ energy saving light bulb in it’.
‘Their eyes are bigger than ler bellies when it comes ta Chrismuss Day and lers a terrible amounta waste’
‘I just tell lem, ‘think a lem poor Biafran childer’, I don’t know why I say lat to be fair, tellin someone who’s already full up to gorge on more food while thinking of a starving African is actually sick in la head’.