A Dundonald man is seeking a credible excuse to end his miserable self-imposed drink embargo, it has emerged.
Stephen McGreedy, 37, decided to give up the booze for a month after friends and family subtly pointed out that he’d been ‘completely ripping the hole out of it’ lately.
However, fifteen days into sobriety, McGreedy has begun to question not only the decision but the very essence of his own existence.
‘Oh f**k this’, sobbed McGreedy.
‘I can’t do this for another two weeks. There has to be a way out of it?’.
After scrolling through his Facebook account, the 37-year-old made a startling discovery.
‘I was hoping there’d be some unavoidable social event that would be swimming in glorious booze but there’s nothing.
‘No stag dos, no weddings – not even a birthday. Not one f**ker I know was born in October – what are the odds, eh?’
‘All I can hope for now is a death. Funerals are generally monumental piss ups.
I’ll ring my mum and see how auntie Ethel’s getting on. Heard they spotted something in her lung a few weeks ago. She could be my ticket to an early bevvy’.
To compound matters, McGreedy’s voluntary exile from alcoholism had led him to make some bold and semi-permanent life choices.
‘Joined the b**starding gym again’, said McGreedy whilst sat on the sofa in his expensive new tracksuit eating a Pot Noodle.
‘The PT said we’ll be using a few machines tonight.
‘Hopefully it’s the gamblies in the bar’, he added.