Breaking: Parliament prorogued until Coleen-Rebekah spat resolved

The Queen has suspended parliament until all the gory details of the Coleen Rooney-Rebekah Vardy row have been revealed.

Leader of the House Jacob Ress-Mogg, who met the Queen earlier today, made the announcement a short while ago, saying:

‘F**k Brexit, all the MPs are getting the popcorn in and watching this WAG war unfold on Twitter instead’.

‘For the record, I’m Team Coleen all the way. Rebekah’s lying through her arse’.

The internet was rocked to its very core yesterday when Coleen Rooney accused Rebekah Vardy of leaking stories about her to the press.

33-year-old Coleen, married to former Manchester United striker Wayne, shared a post with her 1.2 million followers detailing the ways in which she lured the wife of Leicester City’s Jamie Vardy into a trap.

Pregnant Rebekah immediately responded with a Tweet of her own strenuously denying the allegations, insisting:

“Aside from a sh*t load of money, what would I gain from selling stories on you?”

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Addressing assembled journalists outside 10 Downing Street, Prime Minister Boris Johnson said:

‘I have taken the decision to suspend parliament until all the facts surrounding the Rooney/Vardy WAG war have been established’.

‘Just like everyone else, the UK government, want answers’.

‘We won’t be accepting the usual sh*te about somebody being hacked either. Coleen claims to have screenshots and I think it’s about bloody time the public had a look at them’.

‘As much as we’d love to leave the European Union with a deal, it’s impossible to think about anything other than this escalating WAG war’.

‘As if the earth-shattering news of Nicki Minaj’s retirement a few weeks ago wasn’t enough for this great nation to deal with, now two of our favourite WAGs have fallen out in public?’

‘Oh what’s the f**king point…’, sobbed the PM before being ushered inside No10 by an equally distraught Jacob Rees Mogg.

The news sent shockwaves across the UK as the pound plummeted to its lowest point since the financial crisis of 2007.

There have also been unconfirmed reports of riots erupting in London, Manchester and Edinburgh.

Meanwhile, our sources claim Wayne Rooney and Jamie Vardy are worried about whether or not they can remain friends following the fallout.

‘Wayne and Jamie enjoy spending time together, playing FIFA and drinking WKD, so they’re concerned that Coleen and Rebekah’s row will put a stop to that’.

Other WAGs have reached out offering their support to Coleen since the scandal broke.

‘U ok hun? Xx’ posted Victoria Beckham, while Abbey Clancy wrote, ‘PM me chick Xx’.

 

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