New IRA call ceasefire until reasons for Amber and Gregg split established

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A group calling itself the New IRA has declared a temporary ceasefire until the full facts of the Amber and Greg split are known.

The devastating news that Love Island winners Greg O’Shea and Amber Gill had split, broke around 1pm today.

The news sent shockwaves across the UK with the pound plummeting in value and riots erupting in London, Manchester and New Lodge.

The stock exchange later announced that the FTSE fell to its lowest point since the financial crisis of 2007-2010.

A coded message was sent to UTV’s news desk around 1.30pm this afternoon by a group calling itself the New IRA. It read:

‘We, the New IRA, are heartbroken to learn that Amber and Greg have parted ways after a glorious five minutes together’.

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The New IRA demand ‘real reasons’ behind the split

‘Like everyone else, the Irish Republican movement, want answers’.

‘We won’t be accepting the usual sh*te about busy schedules and remaining friends. One of them has been bucking all ’round them and we demand to know who’.

‘As much as we’d love to continue our murderous campaign, it’s just impossible to kill at a time like this’.

Meanwhile, all Brexit talks were suspended by the UK’s main political parties as news of the split reached Westminster.

Addressing assembled journalists outside 10 Downing Street, Prime Minister Boris Johnson said:

‘As if the earth-shattering news of Nicki Minaj’s retirement wasn’t enough for us all to deal with, we hear that Amber and Greg have called it a day as well’

‘Oh what’s the f**king point in life’, sobbed the PM before being ushered inside No10 by an equally distraught Jacob Rees Mogg.

In other news, the world is f**ked.

 

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