Spanish police are investigating a reported sighting of a Northern Irish holidaymaker who wasn’t wearing Celtic or Rangers shorts.
The Policia Nacional in Alicante said they were called to Calle Gerona this morning after locals reported seeing a pasty ginger man wearing neither Glasgow Celtic or Rangers replica shorts.
Every year, thousands of Northern Irish people descend upon popular Spanish holiday resorts adorned in garments which indicate their tribal allegiances.
However, one local made the astonishing claim of having spotted a ‘pale freckly man in Lonsdale shorts’ walking through the town.
‘His flesh was pale but badly burnt’, recalls Jose Noway
‘He was half pink and half white. He looked like a walking bar of nougat’.
‘I remember him clearly because he wasn’t wearing Glasgow football shorts nor did he have a Tasmanian devil waving a Union Jack or Tricolour tattooed on his calf’.
As news of the sighting spread, many began doubting the veracity of the claims.
‘Lotta aul ballix’, dismissed North Belfast man Dessie Dent (52).
‘I mean, how’s anyone supposed to know whether they’re one of themuns or one of usuns unless they’re wearin’ Hoops or Gers shorts?’
‘Could ya imagine havin’ a couple pints with some c**t, thinkin’ he was sound, then findin’ out an hour later he was an orange b**tard? Total nightmare’.
Big ‘Turk’ Young (43), from the loyalist Albertbridge Road in East Belfast, expressed a similar sentiment.
‘Nah mate, don’t believe ye’.
‘I’m back ‘n forth on feg runs and I’ve never met a fella from here who doesn’t have a pair of shorts on til let ye know what fut he kicks with. Know whatta mean kyid?’.
‘First hing I look at’s the c**ts shorts. If he’s wearing Celtic or GAA then I know he’s a t**g and I go ‘n sit on the other side of the bar’.
In a similar story, a Northern Irishman has written to Richard Branson asking if he can wear his Celtic shorts on Virgin Galatic’s maiden space flight.