PSNI Squirt-a-Prod Championships about to get underway at Avoniel

This summer’s prestigious PSNI ‘Squirt-a-Prod’ Championships is about to get underway at the former site of Avoniel Leisure Centre.

The opening ceremony took place at 10am as locals released a drove of pigeons spray-painted red, white & blue into the morning sky.

The annual PSNI event draws thousands of spectators onto the streets and is beamed around the globe to millions of viewers.

The Championships involves members of the PSNI riot squad who blast inebriated bare-bellied men across great distances using a powerful water cannon.

These fire jets of water at various speeds, depending on the aggressiveness and girth of the drunken Prod mounting PSNI landrovers.

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Last year, Officer Goodfellow of the PSNI set a new world record when he sent a 15-stone man in Rangers shorts skidding a distance of 45ft on his arse.

‘I remember the gentleman fondly’, recalls officer Goodfellow.

‘He hopped up onto a Landrover bonnet clutching a tin of Tennents in each hand whilst doing the bouncy’.

‘As soon as the water skelpt him across his big hairy moobs, I knew it was a world record contending effort’.

This year’s event is expected to draw even more contestants onto the streets as they hope to become the latest in a long line of squirted Prods.

Former record-holder and ever-present participant in the championships, Bap McBride, told us, ‘It’s quare craic so it is. I’ve been fortunate enough to be squirted every year – except 2014 – I was in Alacante on a feg-run that year’.

This year’s official anthem is provided by Dutch dance-pop act Artmesia who will be performing their club-classic ‘Bits & Pieces’ at around 3pm.

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