As schools across the country prepare to close for the summer holidays, parents are bracing themselves for eight full weeks of child-filled insanity.
Parents spend the better part of ten months forcing screaming children into some form of structured routine which includes early curfews and rises.
But all the hard work is ruined by a two-month sugary party known as ‘the summer holidays’, during which children regress to newborn sleeping patterns.
‘Just enjoying the next few peaceful school days before eight weeks of overpriced attraction parks and eating out’, said father-of-two Stevie McGreedy.
‘No doubt there’ll be a few bare-knuckle boxing bouts with inattentive parents in soft play areas again this year’.
‘Oh – And lots of standing in goal, not being allowed to save any feeble shots as well’, he added.
Meanwhile, children are dreading another summer of being passed around like a joint by disinterested relatives.
Little Harry McGreedy (5) is not looking forward to spending time with his elderly grandmother while his mother works during the day.
‘It’s not that I don’t love gran. But at 87 she’s no longer a worthy opponent’, he explained.
‘Last week I barely tapped her with my Lightsaber and her whole arm turned blue within minutes’.
‘No doubt the highlight of my summer will be a trip to the café in Tescos’, he sighed.