The Norn Iron Fire Service has revealed the blaze which devastated the Bank Buildings in August 2018, was probably caused by a fire.
An “extensive investigation” costing hundreds of thousands of pounds between the NIFRS and the Health and Safety Executive has finally released its findings.
A Northern Ireland Fire & Rescue Service (NIFRS) spokesperson said:
“In conjunction with the Health & Safety Executive for Northern Ireland, we have completed our extensive investigation to determine the cause of the blaze at Bank Buildings, Belfast on 28 August 2018.
“We can now confirm that the cause of the blaze was probably a big fire or something.
“Given the complete mystery surrounding the cause of the extensive damage, the investigation process was complex, detailed and a nice wee earner for all involved.
The findings of the investigation will come as huge blow to Norn Iron’s Christian community who attributed the fire to an act of God.
When the landmark Bank Buildings in Belfast city centre caught fire last August, some people alleged that our Heavenly Father was directly responsible.
Those circulating the rumours suggested the Almighty One wreaked his fiery revenge on the Irish retailer for placing some rainbow-coloured articles of clothing on display.
But the Holy Spirit finally broke his silence this morning describing the allegations as: ‘Absolute wank’.
Talking to Belfast Live, God said: ‘Listen, I would never burn down Primark’.
‘Do you know many prayers per week I get from men being trailed around that shop, asking me to set fire to it?’.
‘But no matter how much they beg, I say, suck it up lads. No doubt she’ll be stuck in the house tonight watching the football. Fair is fair’.
The Father and creator of the universe admits he was a tad vengeful in the past but those days are well and truly behind him.
‘The flood was a bit of a watershed moment for me’, he mused.
‘After that I said to myself, no more genocides. I’ve definitely mellowed since then’.
When asked if the people of Northern Ireland should be sending Primark employees thoughts and prayers, God replied: ‘No fuck, send them money or something useful’.