A Belfast man is lying in bed covered head-to-toe in natural yoghurt after mistakenly believing that U.V. stood for ‘Ulster Volunteer’, it has emerged.
As temperatures soared to 19C, Davy ‘The Venezuelan’ Taylor (35) decided to take advantage of the glorious weather when he heard that the sun emitted ‘U.V. Rays’.
Taylor thought that if he allowed his skin to absorb the sun’s rays then he might attain ‘super-powers’ which would make him ‘a better freedom fighter’.
The ‘boney collector’ headed down to the local bonfire kip wearing only a vest and a pair of luminous yellow Nike shorts, equipped with a clinking blue bag.
There he parked his hole on a busted sofa and polished off his cider-based carryout in the baking sun for the better part of five hours.
It wasn’t until Taylor nipped home for a bite to eat that he realised he’d been severely sun burnt
‘As soon as our Kelly whipped my tap aff, you cud see I was pure red raw’, winced Taylor while displaying his hideously burnt flesh.
‘Obviously a ginger ballix like me shouldn’t absorb so many Ulster Volunteer rays’.
His girlfriend Kelly told us, ‘I told him this mornin’ to put some Factor 50 on. Now look at him the fat hairy mess. He’s half pink and half white. He looks like a fuckin’ Drum Stick lally that’s been drapped on a barber shap floor’.
She went on, ‘I just stick to the fake tawn ma-self. Fair enough, I might have knuckles and elbows like an Umpa Lumpa’s ball-beg on a cold day – but at least am nat rollin’ about the bed in pure agony like that labster in the next room’.
With temperatures expected to soar over the coming days, experts are telling people to take the necessary precautions, like avoiding beauty spots filled with gladiator sandal wearing trogs.