Stormont re-opens as ‘wee sunbed shap’

Stormont is set to re-open as a new tanning salon, according to reports this morning.

The disused parliament buildings, vacant since 10th January 2017, have finally found a new occupier and will officially open for business next week.

The new solarium called ‘Black and Tans’, promises to provide its customers ‘with that perfect red-raw shade for the summer rioting season’.

It’s all the result of an online poll in which Northern Irish taxpayers were asked to suggest new uses for the building following the collapse of the NI assembly.

32.5% suggested it would make the ideal kinda venue for a functioning local government, whilst 0.5% advocated the idea of allowing Stormont to lie dormant indefinitely – all of whom were MLAs.

However, a whopping 67% of voters thought another sunbed shop was just what East Belfast needed.

Acquiring ‘a tawn’ is a hobby enjoyed by thousands of men and women across the city.

Local woman Melanie O’Maugh, whose body has more moles than an MI5 infiltrated IRA unit and likes to expose herself to UV radiation on a daily basis, told us:

‘Stormont’s been fulla hot air and tubes for decades. I don’t think anyone will notice the difference to be perfectly honest with ye’.

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