Boffins at Dundonald Looniversity have made the startling discovery that a Terry’s Chocolate Orange does not count as one of your ‘five-a-day’.
This comes after another new study revealed that 9 out of 10 Northern Irish children are ‘fat as fuck’.
Dr Oetker, head of research at Dundonald Looniversity, said, ‘We carried out rigorous tests on our volunteer subjects, or ‘lab fats’ as we now call them’.
‘Even though the Terry’s version is divided into 20 segments, just like a real orange, and wrapped in orange-skin patterned foil – we can reveal it is NOT actually a real orange’.
The Terry’s Chocolate Orange has been a mainstay in Northern Irish children’s lunchboxes for thirty years and the news came as a surprise to many parents today.
‘Am shacked. Totally shacked’, confessed one mother in a Betty-Boop onesy outside a local primary school.
‘You’d think they’d label these things a wee bit better. This is our children’s health they’re toying with here’, said another woman while puffing on a Superking Menthol in a car packed full of kids.
Dr Oetker claims that other foods considered part of the Northern Irish diet wouldn’t count towards the five-a-day target.
‘Fruit Pastels, Strawberry Chewits and Pear Cider are also pretty bad for your health as it turns out’, he said.
But not all parents are convinced of the new findings. Phil Inngs (37), told us he’d still be feeding his two boys ‘proper grub’ in spite of the recent warnings.
‘Our Jacob was telling us this morning his teacher was worried about his diet. I hit him a good clip round the lug and told him to eat his Crème Eggs on toast’, said Mr Inngs.