The elections for Northern Ireland’s 11 councils are being held today and voters are chomping at the bit to vote for the same bunch of pricks they always do.
Despite having no functioning assembly since January 2017, the electorate are literally oozing at the reproductive organs at the thought of re-electing the same parties who’ve presided over the current mess.
And, even though the majority of these people would have you believe they’ll vote for moderate-thinking parties this time round, they’re all exposed as big lying bastards as soon as they ballots are counted.
‘I don’t want a United Ireland’, confessed one female Unionist voter.
‘Sure, in some sort of utopian democracy I could base my decision on things like health, economic and education policies but that’s impossible’.
‘You honestly think Emily Wilding Davison threw herself under a horse so I could stick an ‘X’ beside Sammy Wilson’s name? But needs must. Those bastards will not get their way’.
A Nationalist voter told us: ‘I want a United Ireland’.
‘Any Prod ever asks me who I vote for and I just about keep a straight face while saying SDLP’.
‘The reunification of the 32 counties is so close, we can almost smell it. When it comes to the border poll, we’ll have the LGBT community on our side, the Poles and Romanians too – in fact just about every minority group we pretend we care about’.
‘You honestly think I care if two lads from Ballybeen Estate can ride each other in Holy Matrimony? Na, but a vote’s a vote!’
Meanwhile, political commentators are predicting record high turnouts in Unionist areas of up to 16%.
And a new poll has revealed as little as 5 in 6 people in Nationalist areas are being instructed who to vote for under the threat of violence these days.