Trump’s crisis talks with NI parties over McDonald’s UK switch to paper straws

Donald Trump arrived at Stormont for emergency talks with Northern Ireland’s main political parties after McDonald’s decision to stop using plastic straws in the UK.

The 45th President of the United States arranged the emergency summit after former Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams claimed the switch to paper straws was destabilizing the peace process here.

The 70-year-old retired politician told Trump the fast-food chain’s decision to switch to the divisive paper version was ‘the final straw for Republicans living under imperial rule’.

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Addressing the media outside Stormont, Trump promised to find a resolution to the contentious issue and avoid a return to the violence of the past:

‘I just wanna assure you guys that I’ll be doing everything in my power to keep the peace in this beautiful part of Ireland’.

The confused US President then inadvertently gave everyone the two-fingers before ascending the steps and entering the building amid a chorus of boos.

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A Presidential delegation was then sent to the Dundonald branch of McDonald’s to bring back food for the political leaders to eat while they debated the issue.

However, talks were delayed for 45 minutes when the delegation was asked to park in Grill Space #2 because Naomi Long had asked for a plain McChicken Sandwich.

When the food finally arrived the leaders of the two main parties here voiced their opposing views before the President.

Current Sinn Fein leader Michelle O’Neill said the switch to paper straws could be what finally sways Unionists towards a united Ireland.

‘Luk at the state a’lem’, said O’Neill while spitting bits of soggy disintegrated paper across the chamber.

‘Sure they fall to f**kin bits after a couple of sucks. We demand a united Ireland, right naaiii’, she bellowed.

However, DUP leader Arlene was delighted with the switch.

‘Not only does this help us forge stronger links with the rest of the UK, it’s eh, good for the environment too. Isn’t that right, Sammy?’, she said while nudging her colleague Sammy Wilson who was writing ‘BULLSH*T’ on a pamphlet about global warming.

As both sides of the chamber shouted at one another, President Trump slipped out to claim the McFlurry he’d won on the Monopoly game.

 

 

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