Five signs your teen could be a rioting little scumbag

After a night of rioting, during which gangs of youths threw petrol bombs at police, we ask the question – I wonder if their parents know?

So, we have come up with this handy guide to help you spot the tell-tale signs of a rioting teen.

1. Are you rioting tonight son?

This might seem obvious but if you live in an area where riots are happening, perhaps you should try the direct approach and ask your child if it’s their intention to throw shit at the peelers that evening? If they answer yes, then this might be a good opportunity to point out that rioting is wrong and could lead to two years bed & breakfast at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

2. Does their tracksuit stink of petrol?

Throwing petrol bombs at the police is one of Northern Ireland’s favourite past times. Unfortunately for the person lobbing them, petrol gives off quite a strong odour. If your child comes through the door stinking like a Texaco forecourt, this could be a sign that he or she has been involved in a running battle with the PSNI.

3. He’s 13 and it’s 3am. I wonder where he is?

We know that sometimes it can be hard to keep track of our children, especially when you have nine of them. But perhaps conducting a little head-count before bedtime would let you know if they are setting fire to a derelict building instead of counting sheep.

4. Could those armoured vehicles outside my house mean a riot is nearby?

If a heavily armoured Landrover mounts the painted kerbstones outside your house at a speed of 30mph, this could be a strong indication that public disorder is only a stone throw away – pun intended. Simply open your front door and shout your kid’s names at the top of your lungs until they come home. If that fails, amputate the sofa from your lazy hole and go looking for them. You can always pause Eastenders.

5. If my child is a rioter, am I a terrible parent?

Absolutely. If you own a young teenager and have no clue where they are when there’s a riot nearby, then it’s your duty to bring them home to safety. On the other hand, if you do not care about whether they riot or actively encourage their participation, then you should be sterilised for the greater good of society.

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