Newly qualified NI teachers will receive gold stars instead of wages

There was widespread joy among university students today as it was announced the standard wage for recently qualified teachers would be scrapped in favour of new incentives, including little golden stickers. 

Teaching unions across the province were unanimous in their support for the move which they described as ‘a victory for the profession’.

Under the new scheme, recent graduates will be rewarded with little golden stars for performing competently in their jobs.

Every time a teacher gets a golden star, it will be stuck beside their name on a huge wall chart designed by the school’s board of governors.

The stars will be tallied up at the end of the month and the graduate with the most stars gets to choose a ‘special prize’ – which definitely won’t be money.

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This week’s offer from Fletcher Meats

‘If you turn up on time for work without stinking of pinot grigio, that’s one golden star’, explained Carl McMarks of Ulster Teachers Union.

‘If you can get through an entire school day without throwing a duster at some wee bastard, that’s two gold stars’.

‘And if you separate a fight in the playground between two pyjama-clad school-ma’s who were slabbering about each other on Facebook, then that’s three gold stars’, he beamed.

DLA Tee
Get a DLA t-shirt now… sorry naiiii

Recent graduate, Lersla Bell, said the new incentive completely justifies her decision to saddle herself with about £40,000 worth of student debt.

‘Golden stars, wow. I’m so overcome with emotion, I momentarily forgot how hungry I was’, sobbed Lersla.

The 23-year-old said she’s relieved that she can finally help her boyfriend cover the ever rising costs of living.

‘My boyfriend, Steve, writes comedy. He doesn’t get money either. Instead he gets ‘exposure’ she explained.

‘Once ‘getting your name out there’ becomes legal tender, I’m almost sure we won’t starve to death’.

 

 

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