Ten stages of a ‘pure scorcher’ in Norn Iron

With temperatures set to soar to 20 degrees this weekend, we take a look at the ten stages of a ‘pure scorcher’ in our wee country. 

1. ‘Am gettin back an it’: If you’ve woken up still half-cut don’t despair, it’s warm and therefore socially acceptable to drink all day. Grab yourself a few fruity ciders and soldier on guilt free.

2. BBQ: As soon the sun’s out, everyone will be hitting the ‘shaps’ to buy burgers, baps and disposable barbecues that even Bear Grylls would struggle to light. Get your hole down there quick before they sell out!

3. ‘Taps Aff’: Ladies should be warned that they will see a lot of pasty malnourished bare-bare-chested teenage boys walking around with their Rangers or Celtic jerseys slung over their shoulder. Also, best to avoid looking out the bedroom window lads or you might catch a glimpse of your neighbour’s saggy aul tits as she lies sunbathing on top of a Bay City Rollers towel.

4. The Beat-Bax: Prepare to have your ears raped by unnecessarily loud cheesy dance music. Everyone and their granny will be screaming ‘yeeeoo’ and ‘Ats us naiiii’ while listening to Smick-Anthems such as Flex Flex Super Flex and Bits & Pieces.

5. Oiled Up: Despite being a nation of pale ginger bastards, the Northern Irish believe they have the skin of an aboriginal person once the sun’s out. Even though we should be slapping the Factor 50 on like gloss paint, you’ll see some mad freckly bastards smothering themselves in baby oil.

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6. Paddlin’ Pool: As soon as it hits 11 degrees outside, your Granda who smokes 80 fegs-a-day will be outside blowing up an inflatable paddling pool using his one good lung. Then it’ll be filled with ice-cold water using a basin while shivering children with blue lips inside it beg for mercy.

7. ‘Lally-paps’: Whoever is sober enough to drive will be sent ’til la shaps’ for twenty quid’s worth of ice lollies. It’s a medical fact that a Twister lolly can cure a hangover so make sure you keep one for the morning.

8. ‘Cut la Grass’: You can rest assured that as soon as one bastard starts cutting their grass everyone will follow suit. On days like these you will also see bare-bellied men aimlessly hosing their driveways.

9: ‘Crawfardsburn’: Why not hit one of our local beauty spots that will be swarming with hordes of underage drinkers throwing bottles at each other. Or if that’s not your thing, why don’t you hit one of our bucket & spade shit-holes like Millisle, where you can eat paper bags full of sea weed or a ‘stick-a-rack’ to break your teeth on.

10: A&E: Join dozens of people in your local emergency department seeking treatment for a range of ailments including sun stroke; salmonella and alcohol poisoning, after a day of eating under-cooked sausages and drinking tonic wine in 25 degree heat.

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