Crumlin Road lodges late bid to host 2019 ‘Squirt-a-Prod’ Championships

The Crumlin Road has submitted a late bid to host this summer’s prestigious ‘Squirt-a-Prod’ Championships in Belfast.

The announcement was greeted with cries of ‘yeeoo’ from inhabitants as a drove of pigeons spray-painted red, white & blue were released into the morning sky.

The annual PSNI event draws thousands of spectators onto the streets and is beamed around the globe to millions of viewers.

The ‘SAP’ Championships sees members of the PSNI riot squad blast inebriated bare-bellied men across great distances using a powerful water cannon.

These fire jets of water at various speeds, depending on the aggressiveness and girth of the drunken Prod mounting PSNI landrovers

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Last year, Officer Goodfellow of the PSNI set a new world record when he sent a 15-stone man in Rangers shorts skidding a distance of 45ft on his arse.

‘I remember the gentleman fondly’, recalls officer Goodfellow.

‘He hopped up onto a Landrover bonnet clutching a tin of Tennents in each hand whilst doing the bouncy’.

‘As soon as the water skelpt him across his hairy moobs, I knew it was a world record contending effort’.

This year’s event is expected to draw even more contestants onto the streets as they hope to become the latest in a long line of squirted Prods.

Former record-holder and ever-present participant in the championships, Bap McBride, told us, ‘It’s quare craic so it is. I’ve been fortunate enough to be squirted every year – except 2014 – I was in Alacante on a feg-run that year’.

The opening ceremony for this year’s games will take place on July 1st where music will be provided by Dutch dance-pop act Artmesia who will be performing their club-classic ‘Bits & Pieces’.

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