First swarm of Smicks descend upon Crawfordsburn Country Park

As temperatures soared to 16 degrees today, the first rake of smicks descended upon Crawfordsburn Country Park much to the delight of locals.

Every Spring, hundreds of malnourished teenage boys whip their ‘taps aff’ and flock to local beauty spots to inject some much needed fun into the lives of others.

Visitors to the conservation area confess to have been ‘bored fucking senseless’ and yearned for the reappearance of the ‘delightful inebriated children who brighten up everyone’s day’ with their loud cheesy dance music and profuse swearing.

‘Usually when I bring my two children to the beach they collect mundane things like sea shells’, explained mother-of-two, Jessica Ramble.

‘But these teenagers leave a host of more interesting things to gather, like broken WKD bottles and used condoms’.

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Dog walker Bobby Woodhouse claims the drunken youths are good with animals also.

‘I caught one of them playing fetch using bottles of WKD with our chocolate lab Coco’.

‘Ok, maybe some of them hit Coco full force on the skull but accidents happen’.

Father-of-three, 15-yr-old Wee ‘mental’ Millsy absolutely loves days out at Crawfordsburn with his buddies.

He told us, ‘The beatbax is pumpin and the gear is flowing like wine’.

‘Later on when the peelers show up, we’ll all gather in a circle and shout ‘fuck the PSNI’.

‘And those of us who can’t spell PSNI will just shout ‘fuck the RUC’ instead’.

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The sight of the wonderful children enjoying themselves is only surpassed by hordes of twenty-somethings who arrive with their disposable BBQs and size-5 footballs which they use to hit unsuspecting sunbathers around the head.

Thirty-eight-year-old Simon Weary arrived with his family for a picnic in the sun when the twenty-somethings arrived.

He told us, ‘I was just pouring some Fanta into plastic cups for the kids who were sat on our picnic blanket, when suddenly two young men came charging through when a two-footed slide tackle went awry’.

‘My six-year-old son was badly winded but once he got his breath back we all had a great chuckle about it.

‘And as a treat, I let the kids pick up all the litter the footballers left at their holes before they left’.

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