A ground breaking new study has revealed members of the ‘wide awake club’ are in fact just nosy bastards afraid of missing something.
Boffins at the Dundonald Institute of Government Funded Ridiculous Studies ran rigorous tests on one hundred subjects who claim to be members of a nocturnal online society.
The results showed nearly all of these people would find it much easier to sleep if they’d put their smartphone in a drawer and stopped staring at a bright glowing screen.
‘We unearthed a direct correlation between a patient’s inability to sleep and excessive creeping on Facebook’, said Dr Andre Young
‘The fact these ballbags are willingly forgoing sleep in order to pry on the lives of others means any claims of insomnia are indeed bogus’, he added.
Treasurer of the ‘Wide Awake Club’, Kelly McMelter, said, ‘As soon as my head hits the pilla’, my brain goes haywire. I’m not sure whether it’s a lack of any mental or physical exertion during the day or if it’s a genuine sleeping disorder. Hopefully these tests get ‘til the bottom of it’.
‘Last night I sat up til 4.30am participating in a group chat. I was sending screen grabs of a Facebook row to my mate Shazzy that she couldn’t see cos the wee girl had blocked her. It was terrible. I ended up lying in til lunchtime today’, she explained.
When asked if he’d any advice for others out there who are thinking of joining the ‘Wide Awake Club’, Dr Young said, ‘Yes. Turn your phone off and close your fucking eyes’.