Local woman ‘doing the big shap’ for Christmas this weekend

A local woman is gearing up for ‘the big Christmas shap’ this weekend, according to reports.

Big Janice from Coronation Park, Dundonald made the announcement this morning whilst making out her lengthy shopping list.

Every year without fail, Janice keeps packing her fridge with food reserved for Jesus’ birthday bash until it resembles some sort of edible game of Tetris.

And also every year without fail, Janice’s husband and son repeatedly sneak a peak at the delicious bounty only to be told – ‘Here you, put it back, it’s for Chris’muss!’.

It was only two years ago that Big Janice put her husband, Roy, in hospital over an After Eight he tried to pinch.

Roy told us: ‘I was looking for something to have with a wee cuppa tea and ya never see those delicious wafer thin chocolate mints in the house apart from at Christmas’.

‘There’s about 90 of them in a bax but she still brained me with a rolling pin then shouted, ‘put them back, they’re for Chris’muss’.

Last year her son, Noel (7), was threatened with an ‘beg of ashes’ unless he stopped asking for a glass of Shloer.

Noel explained: ‘It’s the same story every year. We’re all eating fish finger sandwiches for a week whilst the fridge is jam-packed with grub fit for a King’s banquet’.

‘Then on Christmas Day, the food that’s thrown out could nourish a small African tribe for a month’.

‘Then we hear her old war cry ‘I’m nat buying as much next year, luk at the waste, it’s a sin’ – only for the silly bitch to buy the same amount the following Christmas’.

‘And why did she buy a 3kg bag of sprouts when she’s the only one who eats them? Did Jesus even eat sprouts?’.

Big Janice defended herself by saying: ‘You’d swear some of them had never seen food before. I’ve had to put a fucking energy saving light bulb in the fridge’.

 

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