Doctors believe every thing that is wrong with you must be viral, according to a new report.
Shocking statistics gathered by Dundonald Looniversity revealed that nearly every medical diagnosis since 2008 has been attributed to a viral infection.
Now there are calls to scrap all existing medical training and have all students simply learn how to spell and pronounce the word ‘viral’ instead.
Dr Steph O’Scope of the Specialist Drama Unit in Dundonald’s Ulster Hospital argued:
‘Why did I waste seven years of my life doing a degree and risk contracting Ebola during that three month placement in Sierra Leone, if every illness known to man is ‘viral’ now?’.
Local dickhead Stephen McGreedy visited his general practitioner this morning after accidentally coughing one of his lungs up during the night.
‘I spent the whole night sweating like Ian Paisley Jr in a travel agents and coughing like an 80-a-day smoker’, explained Stephen.
‘I Googled my symptoms but within three clicks of the mouse I’d diagnosed myself with everything from cancer to Bieber Fever’.
‘So, after I’d fished my left lung out of the toilet bowl for the third time I decided to see my GP the next morning’.
After a brief examination, the 37-yr-old was given his diagnosis.
‘Just like the woman in the waiting room with the ruptured spleen and the man who staggered in with a knife wound to his abdomen, I was told it was viral’.