A Dundonald man was rushed to hospital this morning after washing his testicles with a powerful minty shower gel, according to reports.
Joe McMelter (37) was taken to the Ulster Hospital after lathering his genitals in Mint & Tea Tree Original Source shower gel.
The factory worker was left with life-changing injuries when his testicles spontaneously combusted just moments later.
Speaking like a choir boy from his bed, Joe recalled the precise moment he knew something had gone awry:
‘The Mrs said she’d bought this new shower gel which smelt lovely and minty’.
‘So I pops in the shower this morning and see the bottle of Tingly Mint & Tea Tree on it’.
‘I do the usual, ya know, the bake, the pits, which was dead on. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life by slapping a handful on my ballix’.
‘Tingly? Fuckin’ tingly? After a few seconds it felt like I dipped my swingers in a bucket of Hydrofluoric Acid’.
Joe’s wife, Helen, was getting herself ready for work when she heard Joe’s effeminate screams followed by two large explosions.
‘When I heard Joe’s screams I thought the big Ginny Ann saw another spider in the shower’.
‘But then I heard a beng, then another one’.
‘Next thing Joe staggers out of the bathroom cupping what looks like two burst balloons in his hand. It was then I realised his ballix were ballixed’.
Dr Steph O’Scope, who tried in vain to save Joe’s balls, said:
‘He will never father any children. On the plus side, he’ll have countless unbroken sleeps and save a fortune at Christmas’.