Boffins today announced that following on from 2013’s craft beer explosion, gin has become the No.1 alcoholic beverage for pretentious wankers.
Dr Steph O’Scope who carried out the research explained, ‘A simple scroll through one’s social media platforms on a Friday night will reveal countless photographs of people clutching unnecessarily large gin glasses containing needlessly expensive gin, tonic, ice and lime’.
‘Of course populist muck such as Gordons is out the window. The more obscure and expensive the brand the better. Then the drinker can regale us all with their insurmountable knowledge of the weird tasting spirit’, she added.
The results showed that currently 87% of people between the ages of 12 and 75 drink an average of six litres of gin per day.
However, researchers predict that figure will rise to 99.7% by 2021 with pompous gins expected to solve drought issues in Central and East Africa.
‘We’ve found that replacing water with gin reduces the risk of a long life expectancy and saves a fortune in foreign aid’, explained Sally Goodheart of the Red Cross.
‘We’ve tested out the model in Togo, Uganda, Bangladesh, Mozambique and North Belfast since 2014 with great success’, she added.
However, not everyone is conforming to the widespread gin-drinkery.
Big ‘Dinger’ Bell from East Belfast told us he doesn’t see the fascination.
‘It’s fuckin’ ratten’, barked Mr Bell.
‘Standing there swirling their silly big glass thinking they are something’.
‘It’s made outta spuds and berries and gets ya pished. Give me twenty tins of cheap Danish lager any day’.