A shocking new report has revealed that 1 in 3 children who grew up in the 1980s were wounded or disfigured at a Halloween party hosted by pissed-up adults, according to the Belfast Institute of Research.
In a survey of 1000 men and women aged 35-45, 34% claimed that they’d suffered severe lacerations to the face caused by 50p false faces purchased in Glovers on the Newtownards Road.
Franky Steenson, 38, told us, ‘Sometimes, if the plastic got a wee nick in it, the razor sharp flaps would slice the bake clean aff ye’.
87% of subjects reported enlargement and tearing of the mouth after having a ‘one size fits all’ set of vampire teeth rammed in by a half-pissed adult.
Willie Wolfe, 41, recalled, ‘Unless ya were Mick Jagger you ended up with a fuckin mouth like Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight’.
As many as 95% of those surveyed complained of visual impairment suffered as a result of a dark red liquid known as ‘Fake Vampire Blood’.
Sam Bee, 35, told us, ‘This shit would permanently stain anything it came into contact with. It came in a wee bottle which had no health and safety warnings on it. Yet here was yer aul aunt Ethel squirting it in your mouth and eyes’.
Others cited a variety of dangerous games involving apples as the source of their injuries.
One of those, ‘Ducking for Apples’, has been confirmed as the least hygienic game in modern history. This usually involved a house full of dentally challenged people hovered over a basin, trying to fish apples out with their mouths.
Another horrendously unsafe thing to give young children was an apple tart which had an assortment of coins inserted into it. Whilst many suffered brutal injuries trying to eat apples which were hanging from the ceiling by thread.
Steve Skelton recalls, ‘I don’t know what hurt more, the misdirected head-butts or occasionally that the apple would swing away and come back to smack you in the teeth like a big cider tastin’ wreckin ball’.
A staggering 96% of children suffered first degree burns after they were handed a metallic rod covered in an explosive that could reach 2,000 degrees Celsius.
Gretchin Welch moaned, ‘My ma gave me a sparkler and a lighter when I was three and I ended up with a hand like Hanson out of Scary Movie’.