NI to legalise recreational sex

Following Canada’s decision to legalise recreational marijuana, Northern Ireland’s politicians have announced their plans to legalise recreational sex, according to reports. 

The move comes following criticism of Northern Ireland’s political leader’s perceived ‘draconian’ attitudes towards issues such as gay marriage and abortion.

A statement made on behalf of Northern Ireland’s political parties read:

‘As part of an ongoing initiative to make Northern Ireland one of the world’s most progressive regions, it is our intention to legalise recreational intercourse between same sex couples’.

‘No longer will the old rumpy-pumpy be reserved for procreation purposes only’.

‘We would encourage those folk of matching sexual orientation to ‘have it off’ at least twice a month’.

Arlene Foster said the proposal was yet another example of the forward-thinking policies of the Democratic Unionist Party.

‘I do enjoy a spot of how’s your father’, blushed Arlene.

‘And this law will enable all my constituents to get their leg over on a more regular basis’.

However, the news caused uproar in Ballymena where doggy-style intercourse is still illegal.

The TUV’s Jim Allister launched a scathing attack on the other parties for their ‘debauchery’.

Allister, who claims ‘the female orgasm is nothing but a myth’, has called on those in his constituency to ‘refrain from engaging in unnecessary sexual activity’.

Meanwhile, man-eating sex-pot Naomi Long has welcomed the news.

‘Get her bucked’, yelled Long while handing out free samples of KY Jelly outside her East Belfast offices.

 

 

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