‘Drama Queen’ marks herself as ‘safe’ as Storm Ali continues

A Dundonald woman sunk to new depths of attention seeking today by marking herself as ‘safe’ on Facebook as Storm Ali continues to rage across the province.

Helen McMelter (32) activated the Facebook ‘Crisis Response’ when a mild breeze ripped through her cul-de-sac wreaking havoc.

‘Even though I was in the house and at no immediate risk of danger, I just wanted to let everyone on Facebook know I was OK. Just one less thing for people to worry about, yanno?’, explained Helen.

Some residents in the street were moved to temporary accommodation after a wheelie bin blew over and its contents were strewn across the street.

Eyewitnesses claim emergency services chased empty crisp packets caught in mini-vortexes for three hours.

There were also reports of a human crush occurring at the automatic doors of Dundonald ASDA as hundreds of people rushed to stock up on bread, vodka and tinned pineapple.

Wee Betty, 78, from Enler Park, who fractured eight ribs in the crush, told us:

‘My cupboards are bunged to the hilt. But I thought I’d get another sixteen tins of Spaghetti Hoops cos you never know how long this weather will last, do ye nai?’.

Another local woman was left ‘shacked’ after spotting what she believed to be a UFO floating above her in the sky.

However, this turned out to be a neighbour’s trampoline.

Wee Sadie Magee from Coronation Park forgot to take her tights off her whirlybird washing line and they ended up three gardens down.

Horrified neighbours witnessed Sadie’s pale stubbly legs bounding the streets as she searched for her stretchy undergarments.

The conditions have caused mass disruption for those commuting to work, with attendances in the Civil Service being particularly affected.

Jeremy Sloth, an Executive Officer in the Department of Finance and Personnel told us:

‘Approximately 75% of employees phoned in this morning and took a Hurricane Day’.

When asked how the lack of manpower was likely to impact upon the department Mr Sloth replied:

‘It affected us enormously. There was no one free to do the soda run this morning. Fuckin’ nightmare’.

Wanna come along and see the writer of the DLA’s stage comedy ‘Three’s a Shroud’ in the Belfast Waterfront (Sept 20 – Oct 6)? Get your tickets now!

https://www.waterfront.co.uk/what-s-on/all-events/three-s-a-shroud/

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