The latest figures from the NSPCC reveal that one in four Dundonald children are still forced to carry their PE kits to school in a plastic bag from a local off licence.
For decades, binge-drinking parents have saved a fortune on expensive PE equipment for their children by stashing all their carry-out bags in a kitchen drawer usually reserved for pointless shite such as batteries, odds and playing cards.
Big Ethel from Ballybeen Estate packs her son’s sportswear in the same bags she uses to transport her Vat 19 home from Winemark on a Friday night.
‘Our Jamie’s to go swimming the mara, so I’ll stick a wee pair-a-trunks inside a Winemark beg for him’, she explained.
‘But he better bring it back home the wee ballix- his da needs that beg for his piece as well’.
The tradition is reportedly encouraged by gossiping teachers who are then able to decipher which children’s parents are the piss-poor heavy drinkers, without having to ask anyone directly.
P7 teacher Mrs Busybody told us:
‘The staff room is always a hive of activity as we try to establish whose parents are the most impoverished’.
‘Plastic bags and non-uniform days are a great way of spotting which ones are the scummy tramps’.
Ethel’s son, Jamie, is less enthused about the situation.
‘When we go swimming, I always get changed beside big dopey Robert’.
‘He’s so hairy and well-hung he looks like Ron Jeremy with hypertrichosis and I’m stood next to him looking like I’ve embarked upon a course of electrolysis’.
He continued, ‘So, as if that wasn’t bad enough, now I’m being sent to school with my swimming trunks in a plastic bag. She couldn’t embarrass me enough.’.
‘Big Ethel’s been humiliating me for years. Everyone else in my class is running about in fancy Gola sneakers and drinking Pepsi-Max, and here’s me wearing a pair of King Fishers and swigging diluted juice from an aul Smack Cola bottle’.
Meanwhile, Jamie’s classmate ‘Crazy’ Andy doesn’t see what all the fuss is about:
‘Dunno what the fuck he’s moaning about. What I’d give for a plastic beg. My ma just sent me out the door with my trunks wrapped in a towel’.