Nine motorists bored to death in Titanic Quarter bus lane tailbacks

The death toll continues to rise after a ninth motorist died from boredom whilst stuck in traffic congestion on the Queen’s Road.

It brings the total number of commuters who’ve perished in their vehicles to fifty since the introduction of the new bus lanes around Belfast.

The Department for Infrastructure Communications Service (or DICS for short), said the delays had been ‘greater than we never bothered our holes to anticipate’.

A spokesperson said that white lily wreaths shaped like the Glider logo had been sent to the victim’s families.

The PSNI confirmed four of the deceased had bashed their brains out on their steering wheels when their phone batteries died and they were forced to listen to Cool FM.

The new road layout is to accommodate Belfast’s new ‘Bendy-Bus’ system which has spectacularly failed in every other major city in the United Kingdom.

In response to spate of boredom related fatalities, the Department for Infrastructure said it would revise traffic light timings in the area.

Mr P. S. Takker, who works in Belfast’s Traffic Control room told us:

‘It’s great to see them get their wee hopes up when the light turns green’.

‘Then, less than a nanosecond later, we switch it to amber again. The devastation on their faces is plain to see’.

With even more congestion anticipated this evening , sanctimonious do-gooders will be providing food rations and warm clothing to people stuck on the Sydenham and Queen’s Road.

Some motorists finally emerged from their vehicles this morning  highly disorientated and unaware exactly how long in the traffic jams.

One women said she experienced ‘the change of life’ while trapped inside her car while other people underwent even greater metamorphose, according to the PSNI.

‘An 11-year-old school boy left the Titanic Quarter car park at 4.55pm. By the time he reached the bottom of the Queen’s Road his voice had broken and he’d grown a beard’, confirmed Constable Goodfellow.

‘And when he finally reached his destination he had three kids and a mortgage’.

The situation is even more dire on the Newtownards Road where the people have been stuck in traffic so long they’re still driving Morris Minors and Ford Anglias.

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