A couple from East Belfast who promised their daughter money for every passing grade she achieved in her A-Levels, are secretly hoping that she fails every exam she sat.
Jim and Maureen Crook from Ballyhackamore told their daughter Megan she’d get £100 for a C, £250 for a B and £500 for an A.
‘Like her da, she’s thick as fuck’, said Maureen. ‘So, the likelihood of her getting any money off us at all is slim’.
‘But here we are, all nervously huddled together in the front hall beside the letterbox. One or two surprise results could see us down a f**king fortune’.
‘With any luck she’ll get straight Us’, said father Jim.
‘Any money she gets for good results will be coming straight out my kitty for gear and hookers on the next Rangers trip’.
But Megan isn’t overly bothered about what grades she gets as she believes her future is already mapped out.
‘Jim and Maureen are broke. So, it’s not as if they can pull any strings and set me up in a cushy number in some well-paid job’, explained Megan.
‘Unfortunately, a combination of things I have zero control over has already predetermined the rest of my life’.
‘I’m just gonna sponge off these two for as long as I can before they kick me out or I find myself an ageing millionaire with a bad heart’.
‘A-Levels are a pile of pointless shite anyway’.
‘Google, auto-correct and calculators have rendered most syllabuses useless’.
‘I bet I can go through the rest of my life without ever having to use long-division or asking someone where the nearest train station is in French’, he added.