A local man has revealed the horrific ordeal he suffered at his child’s birthday party.
Steve McDramagh wept uncontrollably as he described the harrowing experience which has left him broken both financially and emotionally.
Standing outside a local off-licence, the haggard father-of-three shook his head while muttering ‘Baby Shark, do-do-do, Baby Shark’.
The 36-year-old and his wife decided to rent out a hall in the local community centre after their home destroyed during a birthday party last year.
‘The wife wanted to have the party in our house but ‘f**k that’ I told her’.
‘Last time, the wee b**tards smeared chocolate ice cream all over the living room walls until it looked like a Republican dirty protest’, recalled Steve.
Despite this, Steve had an inkling the party would still be tortuous when his wife sent him up the M3 to fetch a balloon she’d won on a Facebook competition.
‘We’d already spent about forty quid on balloons but she insisted that I drove half an hour to the Andersonstown Road for one’.
‘A twenty-five mile round trip for a sack filled with a stranger’s breath. Fucking mental’, he moaned.
And things got even worse for Steve when his wife entrusted him with the sausage rolls.
‘The party started at 4pm and there’s me at ten past four in the house up to my ballix in puff pastry cos the b**tarding sausage rolls stuck to the oven tray’, he recalled.
As a result, Steve arrived to his own child’s party fifteen minutes late and endured the wrath of his pint-sized spouse, who spoke to him in front of their guests as if he was dog shite dangling from the sole of her size 3 shoe.
‘The hall was unbearably warm. Like against the Geneva Convention warm’, he remembered.
‘And here I was trapped inside a dilapidated leisure centre surrounded by a tribe of hyperactive kids’.
‘Some of them were repeatedly blowing on these miniature vuvuzelas and the rest were taking part in an unsupervised Battle Royal on a large inflatable structure in the corner of the room’.
Steve was then instructed by his beloved wife to assume the DJing responsibilities which involved blaring annoyingly repetitive songs at a deafening decibel level.
‘Oh I spun all the classics’ said Steve while shaking his head.
‘What Does the Fox Say, Baby Shark and I’m a mother f**king Gummy Bear’.
Steve also recalled the bollocking his wife gave him for not having his phone ready at the moment when his daughter was blowing out the candles on her cake.
‘I’d been so preoccupied with my birthday party related duties that I’d forgotten to eat’.
‘So I lifted a flump from the sweetie stall to boost my sugar levels when suddenly I was being called all the b**tards under the sun for not having my camera ready’.
But Stevie says he wouldn’t have it any other way.
‘Before the kids, I led such a shallow existence’.
‘I’d do things like see my friends and sleep for more than three consecutive hours’.
When asked if there was anything about his old life he was particularly glad to see the back of, he said:
‘Getting my hole’.