A taxi driver is running amok through Belfast after revealing he ‘couldn’t take anymore customer small talk’, it has emerged.
Big Sandy McBickle, who does the evening shift for a local firm, went ‘fuckin boo-ga-loo’ after he was asked the same question asked by every customer who’s entered his cab for the last 18 years.
At his wits end, McBickle abandoned his vehicle on the Upper Newtownards Road and embarked upon a violent rampage across East Belfast, during which he made sardonic observations on life.
We traced McBickle down to a petrol station which he was holding up at gunpoint, after he was told he would need to spend a minimum of £5 before he could use his bank card.
“Every b**tardin’ night for the last 18 years I’ve had to endure the same three b**tardin’ questions”, explained Sandy.
“It starts off with ‘Are ya busy the night mate?’, swiftly followed by ‘What time are ye on til?'”.
“Then they’ll start about what’s on the radio and ask me ‘Do ya like that there music, do ye?'”.
“For the better part of two decades I have politely answered their questions but tonight I just snapped”.
“So I says til him, ‘No, I do not like the fucking Osmonds'”
“But I’d rather listen to Freddie Kruger slowly drag his claw down a blackboard or my Ma ridin’ my Da – than engage you in a conversation – ya c**t ye”.
After pistol whipping the shopkeeper and leaving the petrol station with under £5’s worth of goods, McBickle hijacked a car and drove along the Ballysallagh Road only to find it was closed off again.
McBickle got out of his car and flung the ‘Road Closed’ sign into a nearby field like a discus before reaching a maintenance crew who were making repairs to the bridge.
“Here’s a wacky idea lads”, screamed Sandy.
“See instead of continually repairing this bridge and closing the roads off, why not just tear the b**tard thing down!?”.
“There’s about as much point in that bridge as there is to a porn storyline! Who even fucking uses it? Everyone is continually inconvenienced just because Lord Marblemouth walks his cows across it once every leap year? Wise the f**kin bap!’
McBickle then took out a rocket launcher and blew the useless stone structure to smithereens in order to prevent any more lorries from having their roof ripped open like a can of tuna or commuters being late for work.