A local woman who replaced a toilet roll is acting as though it warrants an honour from the Queen, according to her husband.
Angel Soft (37) went ‘fucking ape-shit’ upon discovering that her husband, Scott (39), had used all the toilet paper again and ‘never bothered his lazy hole’ to replace it.
‘All I heard was the yelling coming from upstairs’, recalled Scott.
‘So she put a new shit-roll on the wee metal arm thingy. Big deal. What’s she after? A fuckin’ Knighthood or something?’ quizzed Scott, while sprawled along the sofa with a bowl of Doritos nestled between his hairy tits.
However, his long-suffering wife Angel unsurprisingly had a different interpretation of the events which unfolded.
‘A cup of coffee ran right through me. Since I had our Justin, I just can’t hold it in like I used to’, she confessed
‘I was boundin’ uppa stairs two at a time and my gusset was ringin’ like a Civil Service phone after 12 on a Friday’.
‘Fortunately, I managed to get onto the toilet before I pished my good active wear’.
‘But when I reached for the bog roll, all I could feel was the bare cardboard tube with a couple of wee strands hangin’ off it’.
‘Every day he locks himself in there for a good hour, shittin’ like a horse with IBS and playin’ Candy Crush on his phone’.
But it would never cross his mind to putta new bog roll on the holder when he’s done’.
‘He’s a lazy fuck-dog. He doesn’t lift a finger round here’, she added.
However, Scott disagreed.
‘Oh I lift a finger alright. My middle one as soon as her big back is turned’, he sniggered.