‘Oh mummy, take me back’ says local woman who shared old holiday pic on Facebook

A Dundonald woman shared an old holiday snap on Facebook before begging: 'Oh mummy, take me back'.  Helen McMelter posted the photo online this morning as Northern Ireland entered its 92nd consecutive day of sh*te weather. The mother-of-two shared a POV pic of her oiled-up legs after browsing through a Facebook photo album entitled 'Marmaris … Continue reading ‘Oh mummy, take me back’ says local woman who shared old holiday pic on Facebook

Partially constructed ark spotted in Dundonald

There were raised eyebrows in Dundonald this morning when a partially constructed ark was spotted in the Moat Park. The gigantic wooden vessel is the handy work of local man Noah Chambers who claims he had a vivid dream about a huge flood that would destroy Dundonald and everything that lived there. In fact, the … Continue reading Partially constructed ark spotted in Dundonald

Local Ma ‘accidentally’ opens her son’s post again

A local mother has 'accidentally' opened another letter her son received in the post, it has emerged. Sally Pryer noticed the letter addressed to her son (Paul) which was clearly marked as confidential when sorting through her own mail this morning. Despite this, the 61-year-old housewife opened the envelope while her 'stay-at-home' son was at … Continue reading Local Ma ‘accidentally’ opens her son’s post again

Northern Ireland completely unprepared for inch of snowfall again

Northern Ireland has confirmed it's completely unprepared for the one inch of snow which may settle for an hour or two before melting, it has emerged. The announcement comes even though it has snowed since the beginning of recorded f**king history. The First Minister and Deputy First Minister released a joint statement this morning live … Continue reading Northern Ireland completely unprepared for inch of snowfall again

Yellow snow warning as drunk man takes a p*sh in the street

The Met Office has issued a warning for yellow snow after an inebriated man urinated in street, it has emerged. Wee Jimmy Riddle (57) relieved himself in broad daylight after sinking several pints in his local shebeen this morning. The self-employed tiler found the combination of a full bladder and the cold weather too much … Continue reading Yellow snow warning as drunk man takes a p*sh in the street

Calls for East Belfast Neighbourhood Watch gang to reform after possible UFO sighting

An East Belfast woman was left in a state of 'shack' after spotting what she believed to be a UFO floating above her in the sky. 34-year-old Helen McMelter was walking her Staffordshire Bull Terrier 'Sasha' along the Newtownards Road when events took an eerie turn. Speaking to UK UFOs Weekly about the sighting, Helen … Continue reading Calls for East Belfast Neighbourhood Watch gang to reform after possible UFO sighting

Dundonald man dies from cringe after reading old Facebook post

A Dundonald man has cringed himself to death after accidentally reading a Facebook status he posted back in 2011. Marty Fied, 32, died from ‘pure cringe’ on his way to the Ulster Hospital after browsing his Facebook Memories while on the toilet this morning. Paramedics worked on Mr Fied for several minutes but knew they … Continue reading Dundonald man dies from cringe after reading old Facebook post

Flatulent cows to be kneecapped under new Stormont proposals

MLAs have backed new proposals to administer paramilitary-style punishment shootings to over-flatulent livestock in a bid to tackle climate change. It followed a debate on climate change in Stormont on Monday evening after calls for immediate action to cut carbon emissions. MLAs backed the Sinn Fein/Green Party amendment by 48 votes to 27 and sanctioned … Continue reading Flatulent cows to be kneecapped under new Stormont proposals

Sex Shops release limited edition ‘Deadline Day Dildo’

Sex shops across the UK have released a limited edition dildo for football fans to assault Sky Sports news reporters with on Transfer Deadline Day.  The white 12" vibrator has been branded 'Big Jimmy', in honour of legendary Sky Sports presenter Jim White. Transfer deadline day is the final day of the transfer window during … Continue reading Sex Shops release limited edition ‘Deadline Day Dildo’

Local woman who claimed she was deleting Facebook for good comes crawling back 2 days later

A Dundonald woman abruptly ended her self-imposed Facebook ban after a paltry two days and conceded, ‘Well, that lasted long’. Shelly 'Loyal' Magee (28) made the announcement after 48 hellish hours of being unable to pry on the lives of people she claims she can no longer stand. This constituted an embarrassing U-turn for Shelly … Continue reading Local woman who claimed she was deleting Facebook for good comes crawling back 2 days later