Facebook Becomes House of Commons

Thousands of people logged onto social media this morning to discover that all of their friends have become political and economic experts. People woke up to the shocking news that the Conservatives had won a landslide victory, even though the media (who very rarely get anything wrong - except for the last general elections result, … Continue reading Facebook Becomes House of Commons

Death toll rises to 38, as boyfriend dies from boredom outside Primark

A Dundonald man tragically passed away this morning while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre, it has emerged. Dom Bordman (35) was found on a nearby public bench by Christmas shoppers who believed he was sleeping. Mr Bordman passed away while waiting on his girlfriend who was inside the new Primark … Continue reading Death toll rises to 38, as boyfriend dies from boredom outside Primark

Local martyr says not to bother getting her anything this year

A Dundonald woman has maintained her annual tradition of being absolutely f**k all help when it comes to choosing her a Christmas gift, it has emerged. Every year, Kristina Kringle's children fail in the numerous attempts to wheedle a suitable gift suggestion her. The 60-yr-old mother-of-three will fob her children off with lines such as: … Continue reading Local martyr says not to bother getting her anything this year

Dundonald woman puts husband in hospital for eating Xmas ‘After Eights’

A Dundonald woman put her husband in hospital after he attempted to eat foods reserved for Jesus' birthday bash, it has emerged. With fridges at full capacity, salivating men across BT16 keep sneaking a peak at the delicious chilled bounty only to be told 'put it back, it's for Chrismuss'. Big Janice Bates from Coronation … Continue reading Dundonald woman puts husband in hospital for eating Xmas ‘After Eights’

Belfast couple f**k Elf in the bin after just 4 days

A lazy East Belfast couple abandoned their Elf duties after just 4 DAYS, it has emerged. Despite being only few days into the month long Facebook spectacle, local pair Chris and Christine Kringle threw their children's 'Elf on the Shelf' in the wheelie bin. ‘I’m sick of the sight of that creepy-looking, pointy-hatted, rosy-cheeked little … Continue reading Belfast couple f**k Elf in the bin after just 4 days

Arrests made after LIDL Dundonald Black Friday Stampede

Black Friday madness got underway in Dundonald this morning when half a dozen pensioners and a few people on the long-term sick went in search of a ‘wee bargain’. But arrests were made and several shoppers required medical attention when the sale erupted into violence. PSNI Castlereagh were so concerned about the potential for public … Continue reading Arrests made after LIDL Dundonald Black Friday Stampede

Violumpet man enters Forbes rich list

A Romanian man with a Stroh Violin topped the rich list for Northern Ireland musicians in 2019, according to Forbes magazine. The PSNI and Belfast Telegraph have revealed that the Bucharest busker is clearing around £170 per day tax free in Belfast City Centre. Those sorts of figures have propelled him above the likes of … Continue reading Violumpet man enters Forbes rich list

‘Chazzy Shankill’ on course for Xmas #1

Local musician 'Chazzy Shankill' is on course for the coveted Christmas No.1 spot with her rendition of Shania Twain's 1998 classic 'From This Moment On'.  Chazzy's duet with a pal broke the internet this week and industry insiders believe 'From This Moment On (Yeeoo)' could even become the biggest selling Christmas song of all time. … Continue reading ‘Chazzy Shankill’ on course for Xmas #1

Owner of vehicle about to breakdown making his way toward Stockmans Lane

The owner of a car on its last legs is taking the vehicle to its final resting place at Stockmans Lane, it has emerged.  Maurice Minor (47) eventually set off on the journey this morning after countless attempts to start the old banger. Stockmans Lane has become a 'Valhalla' for shitty old scrappers hoping to … Continue reading Owner of vehicle about to breakdown making his way toward Stockmans Lane

Local woman ‘sticking on a big pat of stew the night’

A Dundonald woman is going to make an enormous pot of stew tonight, it has emerged.  42-year-old Jacqueline Frost made the decision after declaring this morning to be 'the cowlest yet'. The mother-of-three was spotted in her local convenience store a short while ago sporting a fetching ensemble including a turd brown duffle coat with … Continue reading Local woman ‘sticking on a big pat of stew the night’