David Beckham reduced to tears on Barry’s Ghost Train

Global superstar David Beckham was reduced to tears after a 'very scary' experience in a Portrush theme park, according to reports. The former Manchester United star (44) had to be consoled by his team of minders after taking a ride on the Ghost Train in Barry's Amusements. Beckham and his entourage descended upon the seaside … Continue reading David Beckham reduced to tears on Barry’s Ghost Train

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Local woman sweats her diddies off

A Dundonald woman was rushed to hospital this afternoon after her breasts melted into two puddles of sweat, it has emerged. Mrs McQuitty (42) complained to family members that she was 'absolute sweltered' as temperatures across the province soared to 23 degrees. McQuitty, who was very well-endowed in the chest department, was rushed to the … Continue reading Local woman sweats her diddies off

PSNI Squirt-a-Prod Championships about to get underway at Avoniel

This summer’s prestigious PSNI ‘Squirt-a-Prod’ Championships is about to get underway at the former site of Avoniel Leisure Centre. The opening ceremony took place at 10am as locals released a drove of pigeons spray-painted red, white & blue into the morning sky. The annual PSNI event draws thousands of spectators onto the streets and is … Continue reading PSNI Squirt-a-Prod Championships about to get underway at Avoniel

Sean Paul to perform ‘We Be Burnin’ at Shankill bonfire opening ceremony

Middle-aged Jamaican warbler Sean Paul, AKA ‘Shan-a Paaaal’, has been booked by local residents to perform at the Shankill bonfire this year, it has emerged. After wowing the crowds with a mini-set which will include his hits ‘We Be Burnin’, ‘Temperature’ and ‘Ever Blazin’, the rapper will then set fire to the huge wooden structure … Continue reading Sean Paul to perform ‘We Be Burnin’ at Shankill bonfire opening ceremony

Local man going to BBQ again tonight

A Dundonald man can't stop barbecuing meat as the warm weather continues across Northern Ireland. Big Geordie Foreman purchased a Weber Genesis II gas barbecue from Homebase last month hoping to impress friends and family with his cooking prowess in the garden. Unfortunately, June was wetter than a nursing home sofa after a Daniel O’Donnell … Continue reading Local man going to BBQ again tonight

Man kneecapped for driving girlfriend’s Fiat 500 with eyelashes to the shops

A Dundonald man was brutally attacked by a gang of masked men after driving his girlfriend's car to the shops, it has emerged.  Pat Tella nipped to the shops in his girlfriend's bright pink Fiat 500 complete with headlight eyelashes around 1100BST. When Mr Tella emerged from the shop and tried to reenter the vehicle … Continue reading Man kneecapped for driving girlfriend’s Fiat 500 with eyelashes to the shops

Local fella must have got a bit of sun yesterday

Ginger man Ed Hucknall ‘must’ve been out in the sun yesterday’ according to several of his pass remarkable co-workers who saw him this morning. Ed, who normally sports a sickly white complexion, arrived at work this morning looking as though he’d been near the epicentre of a nuclear blast. The Dundonald man is usually very … Continue reading Local fella must have got a bit of sun yesterday

Man rushed to hospital after sweating his balls off

A Dundonald man was rushed to hospital this morning after waking to find his testicles had dissolved in a puddle of sweat. Eunuch Powell (37) had terrible difficulty sleeping last night due to the drastic increase in temperatures across Northern Ireland. The sous chef tried everything from opening a window, to sleeping ‘pure ballick naked’. … Continue reading Man rushed to hospital after sweating his balls off

Parents looking forward to two months childcare with zero breaks

As schools across the country prepare to close for the summer holidays, parents are bracing themselves for eight full weeks of child-filled insanity. Parents spend the better part of ten months forcing screaming children into some form of structured routine which includes early curfews and rises. But all the hard work is ruined by a … Continue reading Parents looking forward to two months childcare with zero breaks

BREAKING: Cause of blaze which destroyed Primark probably a fire

The Norn Iron Fire Service has revealed the blaze which devastated the Bank Buildings in August 2018, was probably caused by a fire. An "extensive investigation" costing hundreds of thousands of pounds between the NIFRS and the Health and Safety Executive has finally released its findings. A Northern Ireland Fire & Rescue Service (NIFRS) spokesperson … Continue reading BREAKING: Cause of blaze which destroyed Primark probably a fire