Punishment beating for man who drove car with eyelashes to the shop

A Dundonald man was brutally attacked by a gang of masked men after driving his girlfriend's car to the shops, it has emerged. 28-year-old Pat Tella nipped to the shops in his girlfriend's bright pink Fiat 500 complete with headlight eyelashes around 1100BST. Eyewitnesses claim Mr Tella was set upon by a gang of masked … Continue reading Punishment beating for man who drove car with eyelashes to the shop

Facebook medical expert recommends everybody lose their sh*t over Covid-19

A self-certified Facebook medical expert is recommending everybody should start losing their shit over Covid-19, it has emerged. Helen McMelter, who wouldn't have the medical background to squeeze a pimple, took to social media this morning to spread fear and panic among those who believe everything they read on Facebook. The mother-of-two, regarded as a … Continue reading Facebook medical expert recommends everybody lose their sh*t over Covid-19

‘Business as usual’ insist Barry’s Amusements

The owners of Barry's Amusements have announced they will be open for business as usual across the 2020 season, despite the imminent thread posed by the Covid-19 virus. Prime minister Boris Johnson is chairing an emergency Cobra meeting this morning to decide whether to bring in measures to delay the spread of coronavirus in the … Continue reading ‘Business as usual’ insist Barry’s Amusements

Outrage as Syrian hamster given cage before local hamster

A family of Syrian hamsters will be moving into a brand new cage in a local pet shop after the proprietor could not find any local hamsters to give it to. But many pets in the store have reacted with outrage that a refugee family will receive the property rather than animals from Belfast. Some … Continue reading Outrage as Syrian hamster given cage before local hamster

UK one more Coronavirus case away from Bono & Geldof aid song

The UK is just one more confirmed Coronavirus case away from Bono & Bob Geldof releasing a single, it has emerged. With the total number of Covid-19 cases across the United Kingdom standing at 87, the sanctimonious pop-duo have decided to end the virus using the power of song. Bono, who's worth $600m and moved … Continue reading UK one more Coronavirus case away from Bono & Geldof aid song

Riot at ASDA Dundonald over 4 pack of toilet roll as Coronavirus threat continues

Panic buying fuelled by the coronavirus crisis resulted in a riot in a supermarket in Dundonald this morning. Arrests were made and several shoppers required medical attention after a customer squabble over shit roll erupted into violence. With the number of positive cases of the Coronavirus in Northern Ireland rising to ONE, people have been … Continue reading Riot at ASDA Dundonald over 4 pack of toilet roll as Coronavirus threat continues

Summer riots in Northern Ireland could be cancelled due to Coronavirus, experts warn

Experts have warned that Northern Ireland's annual summer rioting could be cancelled with the Covid-19 outbreak now affecting several European countries. Each year, thousands of people across the province participate in violent public disturbances which rumble on for several weeks. But if the spread of Covid-19 continues at its current pace, or is declared a … Continue reading Summer riots in Northern Ireland could be cancelled due to Coronavirus, experts warn

Man has stroke at ATM after accidentally checking his balance

A Dundonald man has suffered a stroke after inadvertently checking his bank balance while lifting money from an ATM. 37-year-old Sammy Sterling nipped to a cash point in Dundonald Village this morning to lift ‘a score note for fegs’. However, at some point during the automated transaction, Sammy accidentally hit ‘yes’ when prompted if he … Continue reading Man has stroke at ATM after accidentally checking his balance

Woman in comments section breaks arm after falling off her high horse

A Dundonald woman has broken her arm in two places after falling off her high horse, it has emerged. Helen McMelter was thrown from the animal while adding her tuppence worth in the comments section of an online news article. The 35-year-old, who only last week was telling everyone to be kind, took to social … Continue reading Woman in comments section breaks arm after falling off her high horse

Prods set to celebrate inaugural ‘Sash Thursday’

The PUL community of Northern Ireland will celebrate their first ever 'Sash Thursday' tomorrow, it has emerged. Organisers have described 'Sash Thursday' as 'an inclusive event celebrating cultural diversity which welcomes all sections of the community - except Fenians'. It's widely believed the creation of Sash Thursday is a direct response to a day of … Continue reading Prods set to celebrate inaugural ‘Sash Thursday’