‘Think I’ll light the BBQ tonight’ says Dundonald father

A Dundonald man is contemplating lighting his barbecue tonight as temperatures reach a scorching 13 degrees. Big Geordie Foreman purchased a Weber Genesis II gas barbecue during his lunchbreak and is hoping to impress his family with his cooking prowess in the garden. Furthermore, the 39-year-old father-of-two threatened to cook outdoors for the rest of … Continue reading ‘Think I’ll light the BBQ tonight’ says Dundonald father

Behind closed doors school sports day will have ‘Ma and Da Crowd Feature’ for kids

NI Education Minister Peter Weir has confirmed 2021's School Sports Day will again be held behind closed doors although children will be given the option of an interactive crowd noise. Those participating in our primary school's prestigious annual sporting event can enjoy the new 'Mas & Das Crowd Feature'. EA SPORTS have created a range … Continue reading Behind closed doors school sports day will have ‘Ma and Da Crowd Feature’ for kids

Dundonald F.C. join European Pub League

Dundonald Football Club are among twelve teams who have a agreed to form a new European Pub League. The Dundonald outfit will join the likes LSD Eindhoven, DLA Galaxy and Real Hungover in the competition. 'This is a unique opportunity to play against half-pissed overweight men wearing knee-straps in different European cities', said a Dundonald … Continue reading Dundonald F.C. join European Pub League

Robin Swann books a back, sack & crack for 23rd April

NI Health Minister Robin Swann will get his lower back, testicles and perianal region waxed as soon as close contact services reopen, it has emerged. The 49-year-old informed the executive of his decision to have a 'back, sack & crack' shortly after confirming he was in favour of accelerating the process of relaxing restrictions. Stormont … Continue reading Robin Swann books a back, sack & crack for 23rd April

Buses hijacked and set alight as Dundonald takeaways run out of salted chilli chicken

Vehicles were hijacked and torched in Dundonald last night after several Chinese takeaways ran out of salted chilli chicken. Masked men hijacked a bus and set it on fire, police said, in one of several incidents unfolding across the town during a night of unparalleled disorder. Trouble erupted in the civil parish after it emerged … Continue reading Buses hijacked and set alight as Dundonald takeaways run out of salted chilli chicken

Glentoran announce signing of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

Get a DLA mug Glentoran have announced the double-signing of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. The pair have joined the Oval club on 3-year deals and will go straight into the squad for Tuesday's home clash with Coleraine. It's understood the East Belfast outfit swooped for the couple after failing in bids to land Jeremy … Continue reading Glentoran announce signing of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

PSNI launch investigation as rioter spotted without grey jogging bottoms on

The PSNI have launched a public inquiry after they arrested a teenage boy in connection with riots on the streets of Belfast who wasn't wearing grey jogging bottoms. 13-year-old Claude Stones is accused of throwing bricks, fireworks, flares, manhole covers petrol bombs and his vape at police during another night of disturbances. It was during … Continue reading PSNI launch investigation as rioter spotted without grey jogging bottoms on

Frank Mitchell mural completed despite outcry in Dundonald

C'uppa DLA. Get our new mug A new mural of notorious NI weatherman Frank Mitchell has appeared in Dundonald despite the objections from locals there. The depiction of Mitchell, with the chilling words 'Take care. Be good. Bye bye' has appeared on a wall facing a primary school in Dundonald. Work on the mural had … Continue reading Frank Mitchell mural completed despite outcry in Dundonald

Dundonald youths test positive for Combat-18

A group of Dundonald youths have tested positive for Combat 18, it has emerged. The teens were rushed to a nearby library where they were administered a critical dose of education. Local authorities were alerted this morning when racist graffiti appeared in Dundonald's Moat Park. Dundonald PSNI officer Sgt Rob Banks told us: 'This is … Continue reading Dundonald youths test positive for Combat-18

Loyalists strike back against Adams with new ‘Johnny’s Chocolate Orange’

3-for-2 on t-shirts & hoodies. Use code 'ATSUSNAI' Loyalists have retaliated against Gerry Adams’ and his United Ireland Easter Eggs by launching the all-new ‘Johnny’s Chocolate Orange’. Yesterday, the Louth TD and former Sinn Fein president made one last desperate attempt to unify Ireland by releasing his ‘Uniting Ireland Easter Egg’. The 72-year-old hoped to … Continue reading Loyalists strike back against Adams with new ‘Johnny’s Chocolate Orange’

Oxford-AstraZeneca say newest vaccine ‘useless’ against Larne variant

The Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine gives people 'fuck all' protection against the new Larne variant of the coronavirus which is now the dominant strain in Northern Ireland, its developers say. They found similar deficiency against the A119 "Ards" variant to the original virus, based on swabs from local volunteers. Dr Steph O'Scope, chief executive of the UK's … Continue reading Oxford-AstraZeneca say newest vaccine ‘useless’ against Larne variant

‘Themuns had a funeral, so usuns celebrated Rangers, then themuns had St Paddys, so usuns will have the 12th’ says local man

A local man is demanding the PUL community celebrate the Twelfth as a spate of tit-for-tat mass gatherings erupt across the province. Get a DLA tee Big 'Turk' Young is encouraging people from 'his side of the fence' to retaliate for yesterday's St Patrick Day celebrations which took place in Botanic Gardens. 'Themuns started it … Continue reading ‘Themuns had a funeral, so usuns celebrated Rangers, then themuns had St Paddys, so usuns will have the 12th’ says local man

Avon dealer suffers ‘career-changing’ injuries after punishment beating

GET A DLA TEE... A suspected Avon dealer has suffered potentially ‘career-changing’ injuries after a vicious beating, police have said. The victim, a renowned make-up pusher, was taken to the Ulster Hospital where he is having a foundation brush surgically removed from his rectum. Graffiti claiming ‘Avon dealers will be shat’ was daubed on wall … Continue reading Avon dealer suffers ‘career-changing’ injuries after punishment beating

East Link all-weather football pitches to be rebuilt for UK & ROI World Cup bid

A housing development will be demolished to make way for dangerous all-weather football pitches as Dundonald looks to strengthen a joint UK and Ireland 2030 World Cup bid. Residents of Leathem Square were informed this morning by Lisburn and Castlereagh City Council of its intention to tear down their homes in order to rebuild the … Continue reading East Link all-weather football pitches to be rebuilt for UK & ROI World Cup bid

‘Oh mummy, take me back’ says local woman after sharing same old holiday pic again

A Dundonald woman shared an old holiday snap on Facebook before begging: 'Oh mummy, take me back'.  Helen McMelter posted the photo online this morning still under the illusion she'll be able to go fucking anywhere on holiday this year. The mother-of-two shared a POV pic of her oiled-up legs after browsing through a Facebook … Continue reading ‘Oh mummy, take me back’ says local woman after sharing same old holiday pic again

Ticketmaster crashes from SSE Covid 19 vaccine demand

Get a DLA face mask Covid 19 fans have complained after facing major problems buying tickets to get vaccinated in Belfast's SSE Arena, it has emerged. "Unprecedented demand" overwhelmed official ticket agencies, meaning many fans were to unable to access their websites or get through on the phone. Ticketmaster said the demand was at least … Continue reading Ticketmaster crashes from SSE Covid 19 vaccine demand

Frostbit Boy loses testicle to frostbite

Get yer DLA mask The 2015 internet sensation dubbed 'Frostbit Boy' was rushed to hospital after his severely blackened testicles were discovered by his family. The 24-year-old told a sensationalist local internet news source he'd had his 'left ballick wheeked aff, hi' after being diagnosed with frostbite. It's understood the Level-10 Culchie was returning home … Continue reading Frostbit Boy loses testicle to frostbite

Ballywalter Riddler taunts DUP once again

Ards Peninsula supervillain 'The Ballywalter Riddler' struck again last night. The criminal mastermind left behind another of his trademark riddles which has police chiefs scratching their heads. 'DUP S##E OUTS' was daubed on a wall outside a local GUM clinic striking fear into the heart of a very very close-knit community. Get a DLA mask … Continue reading Ballywalter Riddler taunts DUP once again

Dundonald school food parcels to include sweetie fegs and Shandy Bass

Don't get chased by Nolan, get a DLA mask today Food packages sent to children in Dundonald who qualify for free school meals and are remote learning because of the national lockdown will contain 'sweetie fegs' and shandy, it has emerged. Stormont MLAs are worried that unless exposed to low alcohol shandy drinks and ‘sweetie … Continue reading Dundonald school food parcels to include sweetie fegs and Shandy Bass

Nicole Kidman offered flat in Carnet House

Get a DLA bake mask Nicole Kidman has been offered a flat in Carnet House after confessing she fell in love with Belfast while filming here. Nicole and her four children are currently staying in a Belfast Holiday Inn whilst her application for a new dwelling is being processed by the Housing Executive. The actress … Continue reading Nicole Kidman offered flat in Carnet House

Dundonald women airlifted to safety from summit of Moat Hill

Avoid a telling off from Nolan and get a DLA face mask today! A group of women in see-through leggings have been rescued while ascending a man-made hill in Dundonald. The earthy mound, commonly referred to as 'The Moat', was once the site of a 12th century fort but since 1972 has been a popular … Continue reading Dundonald women airlifted to safety from summit of Moat Hill

Violumpet Man releasing Christmas album

Keep Nolan at bay with a DLA face mask A Belfast busker dubbed 'The Violumpet Man ' is releasing a new album just in time for Christmas, according to reports.  The Transylvanian Tchaikovsky revealed that all tracks on the album will be covers of Christmas classics and featuring his trademark Stroh violin. Over the past … Continue reading Violumpet Man releasing Christmas album

Dundonald woman looking forward to her ‘big Christmas food shap’

A local woman is gearing up for 'the big Christmas shap' when lockdown ends, according to reports. Big Janice from Coronation Park, Dundonald made the announcement this morning whilst making out her lengthy shopping list. Every year without fail, Janice keeps packing her fridge with food reserved for Jesus' birthday bash until it resembles some … Continue reading Dundonald woman looking forward to her ‘big Christmas food shap’

40-yr-old man set to receive Lynx Africa set and novelty socks for 10th Christmas running

A Dundonald man looks a sure thing to receive socks and a Lynx Africa set for Christmas, it has emerged. After finding novelty socks and a cheap body spray/shower gel set under the tree for the past 10 years, Chrissy Kringle resigned himself to the fact that this year will be no different. The uninspiring … Continue reading 40-yr-old man set to receive Lynx Africa set and novelty socks for 10th Christmas running

Death toll rises to 38, as boyfriend dies from boredom outside Primark

A Dundonald man tragically passed away this morning while waiting for his girlfriend outside Primark in Belfast City Centre, it has emerged.  Dom Bordman (35) was found on a public bench by Christmas shoppers who believed he was sleeping. Forensics experts estimate that Mr Bordman was stood outside the shop for between 35-45 minutes before … Continue reading Death toll rises to 38, as boyfriend dies from boredom outside Primark

Owner of shitty old scrapper causes one final traffic jam at Stockmans Lane

The owner of an old banger took the car to its final resting place at Stockmans Lane, it has emerged.  Maurice Minor (47) eventually set off on the journey this morning after countless attempts to start the shite heap. Stockmans Lane has become a 'Valhalla' for shitty old scrappers hoping to cause one final traffic … Continue reading Owner of shitty old scrapper causes one final traffic jam at Stockmans Lane

1 in 4 Dundonald children using ‘plastic beg from offies’ as sports grip

The latest figures from the NSPCC have revealed that 1 in 4 school children living in Dundonald are being forced to carry their PE kits to school in a plastic bag from their local off-licence. For decades, binge-drinking parents have saved a fortune on expensive PE equipment for their children by stashing all their carry-out … Continue reading 1 in 4 Dundonald children using ‘plastic beg from offies’ as sports grip

Dundonald man doesn’t know how he’ll cope with another 4 weeks of flouting Covid-19 restrictions

  After 7 months of breaking just about every restriction imposed by the government in relation to stopping the spread of the coronavirus, Dundonald native Joe McMelter doesn't know if he 'can cope' with 4 more weeks.  The 35-year-old blasted the latest round of 'draconian measures' put in place by Stormont despite the fact he's … Continue reading Dundonald man doesn’t know how he’ll cope with another 4 weeks of flouting Covid-19 restrictions